I step outside,
Ice cold wind slaps me sharply, swiftly,
Across my cheeks,
It hurts, though not as much as the strike of your hand.
I step one step further,
Off the porch,
Into the soft snow,
As soft as the touch of your lips.
I step onto the street,
Street lights blur
through the fog of the morning, fog as damp
as the crevice under my blackened eyes.
I continue on,
Pull my coat tighter,
It reminds me of you-
Your warm embrace.
I battle the wind as I battle my thoughts,
I'm more unsure than ever.
The thought of staying
is just as painful as the thought of leaving.
The love we share is more complicated
than to simply stay or go.
An infinite war in my mind resumes.
I can reach no conclusion.
My head is now cloudy, foggy, vague.
Thoughts are disjointed, separate.
morning as I wake to your anger
These thoughts become more difficult.
I flick my lighter,
the flame dances softly.
I light, I breathe.
This fills me with more warmth than your love ever has.
Guilt blazes my cheeks
as if my whole body has suddenly caught alight.
I realise what I'm thinking and I want to be sorry,
But I'm not sure if I am.
I lay down,
Eyes to the sky,
As if the answer will come with the descending snow.
and I pray.
I wake, and find the snow,
The setting sun peeps through the clouds
as a child through their hands playing peek-a-boo.
I gather my strength-
this task consumes me.
I stand and walk
into the distance,
not turning back
for fear of what may stop me.
I whisper my apology to you
and the wind whisks it away
and buries it amongst the clouds.
The sun fades. The shadows are gone now.
As the night settles I send a final prayer to the sky,
For this broken love,
a new tomorrow.