James


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1. Diary Entry

March 2012 James was here for one night and one night only, I wanted to see him even if it undid everything. I had changed so much since I last saw him. When he left, I became a monosyllabic shattered wreck. I couldn’t stand his absence and I felt so alone. I filled my life; not with particularly good things. Life became a monotonous motion with random dispersions of superficial shagging, alcohol and partying. Sometimes I didn’t even try , some days I gave up , when I didn’t have an act to put on, I struggled.  I had been better now for the last few months, surviving had become easy. I didn’t know if I actually felt better or if I was so good at pretending that I was beginning to even fool myself. I was doubtful to whether I could go through the whole thing again; all the pain and the emptiness had hit me hard. He had always warned my stubborn stolid self to stay away. I couldn’t motivate myself to miss the chance to see him once more. If I was intelligent things would be different, maybe if he hadn’t been there at that precise moment in time my life wouldn’t be fused to his. He would never be dependable; he would always be slipping away. James would always be drifting through my fingertips, like a mist sifting past that you just couldn’t catch. He wasn’t mine but at least he wasn’t somebody else. He was brave though, he always had been, he was strong, honest and he always cared about me. He may not shown but I knew deep down he did, it explained everything. Nobody ever stuck around for James but I had. I had been there through it all. I was Pandora Banks, most people called me Panda. I was small with big outlined brown eyes. My eyes were the definition of panda eyes which was ironic. My hair changed according to my mood, I used semi permanent dye. It was pink when we first met so I dyed it pink for when I met him. I thought about what people used to say about me, everyone used to call me brave and strong. They all said how much they admired that I was so resilient. This was before James left, I think the strangest moment I had was when I was just sat in the rain in the middle of town, everyone else was running through cover while pulling up their hoods or trying to shield themselves. Then there was me who was sat alone with my knees beneath my chin. It was quiet , all I could hear was the tapping of  the rain. I didn’t want to function anymore. I never used to be quite so down and depressing.

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