Is that you Santa Claus !? -The chronicles of Congo Bonaparte

what do you get if you cross a cockney Elf with a gangster bitch Father Christmas.. a Night that Congo would rather forget


1. Knees up Mother brown


Congo was spread out on his warm king sized bed. Playing Skyrim on his 48 inch dark sleek Samsung  TV with surround sound.

You could not play Skyrim no other way. Sometimes he would stand up right close to the screen while playing the game. To get the sense he was really there in Skyrim. Nerd was an understatement.


It was Christmas Eve and all the cards and phone calls to relatives he hated, hardly knew or cared for had been sent. Outside was no fresh fluffy americanised snow, instead it was horrid black ice and grey slush.


Congo often felt a little bit racist whenever he said black Ice. Many a times he would try different terms, dangerous ice... slushy ice... slippery ice, but people would simply correct him.

"Aye you mean Black Ice son ?"  .... "Race Card!"


Congo had ran out of gin and juice so ventured downstairs begrudgingly. He always combined going wee wee and drink/munch collection at the same time. Congo was efficent like that, others would say boarderline OCD.


After a quick wee and resupply Congo was ready to go back to his nest of comfort. When something dirty grey darted across his path.

Instinctly Congo dropped and rolled to the ground. Months of Call of duty taught him that prone was a good and safe position. The dirty grey figure jumped out of the shadows holding its pointy  cat like ears.

Congo slowly realised he was screaming, at first he thought it was the creature, but than recognised his own subtle tones.

"By Zeus I sound like a bitch." Congo thought to himself. 


"Please stop Screaming!" The creature bellowed with a rather Artful Dodger " Knees up mother Brown" accent.

"Americans were right. There are Aliens and they are fluent in English.... well Cockney, but none the less they be fluent." Thought Congo  looking up at this odd sight.


The creature was no more then 3 ft  in height and had a dirty grey complexion around #463E3F for all you HTML code lovers out there.


Its head wasnt overly big , with long braided silver hair, that passed the shoulders and covered classic elf like pointy ears. What really stood out was the creature's eyes; Emerald green.

So light and bright, with a faint bluish cast. High cheek bones and a little fragile nose  placed perfectly in the middle of the face. Finished off with a slender top lip smooth and soft,  ripe for kissing. 

"Male or female this is a BUFF TING! "Congo thought.


The creature was dressed in a familiar red coat with white collar cuffs,white cuffed red trousers and blackleather belt and matching boots.

" Listen up guv'nor I aint no fecking Alien."  The creature said with a hint of disgust.  


"I am an Ice Elf. DildoPorn be my name, Son of Dildohorn from the far lands of Hamonshire." Dildoporn did a graceful bow.


"Thats all nice and dandy Bruv, what the hell you doing in my house!?"


Congo's hand had found a pen on the floor as he lay in prone position, and wielded it as a knife.. Aimed towards the bright eyed intruder.  

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