Smokes- The chronicles of Congo Bonaparte

Whoever said Smoking was bad for your health.....


1. Tropical Bubblicous and Some Skittles.


Congo hated smoking. He knew at some point he would have to leave his warm bed to get some more smokes! Congo had put it off for the last six hours, but good old Nicotine was closing the endophin hatch and releasing the gate of anxiety, fatgue and a genral hate for all things alive. 


"I reckon Skrillex felt like this when he produced "kill everybody"  but threw in a few WOBs WOBs and screams to balance out the anger!"- thought Congo.


Placing on his pants was an effort..


"Seriously what happened to the days of old when you could walk around bollox naked ...I blame the Church. Pagans loved a naked stroll. #FACT !"


With his jeans over his pants and jacket over his shirt, Congo grabbed his keys and made his way to the 24, 7.

With a bit of luck Mrs B would be working. She always allowed him a couple of penny sweets,

Congo wondered how he would react if she pulled a " Mrs Robinson"  and seduced him. Granted she was pushing 70, but a bang is a BANG.


The 24, 7 had everything you ever need and far too much then you ever wanted. Congo Zombie Contingency plan was to come here to stockup before traveling out to the hills. 

Congo never trusted anyone without a Zombie Contingency plan. He would always throw it in a conversation to raise the small talk to medium talk.


"Might aswell get some snacks in,Skittles CHECK Tropical Bubblicous CHECK Yorkie CHECK Oasis CHECK Cheese and Onion chips CHECK Smokes CHECK."


Congo walked with glee towards the Checkout counter with his cargo.


"How much is that mate?"


There was no sign of Mrs B. Steve, her son was there. He was jealous of their unspoken love. And always gave the incorrect change, innumeracy popped into mind, that and a lack of respect for his future Daddy.


"£ 6:50  Bruv"   - Steve grunted.


"How MUCH...and its Dad not Bruv" - though Congo.


Reaching into his pocket to pay this Highway man, a slow realisation materialised in Congo's Mind eye... his wallet seating all smug on his flipping desk!


"Your shitting up my ARSE!!"


As soon as these words floated into the air. Two old Nuns entered into the 24,7 shaking their heads in disgust. 

Embarrassed  Congo turned to Steve and explained.


"Sorry mate, only left my wallet at home could you place this stuff behind the-....."




Congo was face to face with a sawn off shotgun. Holding the Sawn off was a short plumb old lady... the bloody NUN!

Mistaking the holdup for heavenly retribution Congo spits out


"Am sorry for swearing I miss placed my wallet and am abit on edge not smoked for ages and..-"


"Shut your Fucking face and give me that watch you cock sucking Fudge Packer!"- Growled the Nun


"Fudge Packer... Fudge Packer!?!"  repeated Congo.


Good old Nicotine kindly opened the gate of rage and unsual strength! Full of rage Congo Headbutted the elderly lady square in the face 


knocking her one remaining  tooth clean out of her mouth. Holding her mouth the Old lady shouted-


"Yeah baby! Ive been waiting for this ! Maggie holdback ! This punk is mine, You wanna dance Bitch lets dance!


Congo's initial strength and rage abandoned him.


"Take the watch.... please !?" 


"Hell no bitch! Maggie hold the shotty am going old skool on this Punk!"


Like Bruce Lee, the foul mouthed Robbing Nun did a roundhouse kick, knocking Congo down the aisle. 

Congo was shocked by the power and how accurate it was, he couldnt take another one of those bad boys. 

Congo had to attack! reaching for a weapon to defend himself Congo's hands grasped a box of Tampons... 


"What you gonna do with that lovely my eggs dried up years ago!"


She was right! Congo needed a better weapon of choice. Congo ran to the Soup aisle with Foul mouthed Robbing Nun in hot pursuit.


Steve being the brave man that he was screamed and ran to the phone!


"Hello help am being robbed! Robbed by fucking-"


"KA POW" Maggie elbowed Steve face knocking him out instantly.


"Why must youth of today use such language!?!  Peggy Wrap it up the Filth have been contacted Plan B!"


Congo had found the Soup aisle and tooled himself up with cans of soup. Peggy  was fast and had some sausage under her arm like Nunchucks ! As she ran at him, Congo chucked the Cans.

Congo could not  hit Shit.  They either missed or were deflected by the Nunchuck Sausages 'Sunchucks' 


"I can hear the sirens coming, I just need to keep her at bay for a little longer-"


Congo couldnt finish that thought. Peggy was in his guard ,drumming his ribs with her Sunchucks.


Before Congo Blacked out he could see the Armed Police run through the door.


Coming to, Congo could feel every muscle burn, Thank Zeus for "Five O", hang on why are my hands cuffed and my mouth gagged !?


Beside him stood Peggy and Maggie looking frail and old. In unison they both  gently whispered .


"We have apprehended this evil doer officers..."



All I wanted was some smokes......




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