The day that Arnold lost his flaps.

Arnold, a simple everyday normal highschool teenage kid who is also a psychic vampire.

But today is no ordinary day for Arnold. Today Arnolds world falls apart when he realises that being a psychic vampire is not all about reading minds and drinking blood but also about flaps.


1. A is for an angry Arnold.

"Arnold!, Arnold!" shouted Maggie, Arnold's mother - who was also a Nazi-Unicorn. "I'm coming Mom!" Arnold replied. He took one more quick glance at himself in the Mirror. Even though most vampires can't see themselves in the mirror Arnold can because he is psychic. Looking good Arnold thought as he tucked a flower behind his ear.

Halfway down the stairs the flower behind Arnold’s ear started to itch his head. Arnold stopped and looked at the flower. It was just an ordinary daffodil, just like he wo9re every day. But why is this one making his head itch. Arnold didn't like his head itching. Not one iota.  

Arnold is good at dancing. Arnold is good at origami and Sudoku. He can stand on the Wii-Fit board on one leg for three hours. He can do many things, and is good at many things. But Arnold is bad at controlling his temper. "You get it from your mother’s side of the family" his dad sometimes said. But his dad was a vegan who lived off his own homemade pressed mushroom juice. Mushroom juice made from the mushrooms his dad picks from between his toes. This didn't make Arnold angry. But the bloody daffodil did. A lot.  

"I hate you daffodil. I hate you with all my might". And with a mighty thrust of his arm Arnold cast the itchy daffodil in to the air. Time seemed to slow ever so slightly as the daffodil started to fall to the ground.  

Arnold then jumped on the daffodil for a few minutes until he peed himself a little bit. The whole time as he jumped up and down Arnold imagined the daffodil was crying and saying "please Arnold, please don’t jump on me again! I didn't mean to hurt you, honest". But Arnold didn't give a flying-psychic-vampire-fuck. This daffodil was going to get it. When he was finished jumping the daffodil lay crumpled and rumpled all up in the threads of the carpet on the stairs. Arnold was satisfied. He liked to imagine he could hear the daffodil wheezing out its last breath. He liked to pretend he could see the daffodils little flower soul float out of its mangled body in to the air. Fuck you daffodil, Arnold said quietly to himself.  

Arnold stepped over his father (who was milking a badger at the bottom of the stairs) and went to the backyard to fetch another daffodil to proudly plant behind his ear before he set off to school. But as Arnold looked up at the daffodil patch as he stepped in to the garden he couldn't believe his man-beady little eyes. Every daffodil in the garden was dead. Arnold is not very nice when he is angry. Now there are no daffodils. No other flowers would grow near Arnold’s house because they were too scared. They didn't want to end up like the daffodils. Arnold tried wearing one of his father’s mushrooms behind his ear but it just made his dad follow him around all the time.  

What Arnold needed was a flower that didn't attract his father and didn't give him an itchy head. Just as Arnold thought this Arnold heard a loud bang in the upstairs of the house. He ran as fast as his stumpy little legs could carry him -Arnold was very short, which is why he liked to wear a flower behind his ear. He burst in to his room only to find Edgar lying on his bed. "Not now Edgar, my dad could be anywhere, I still smell of mushrooms" whispered Arnold. "I'm not here for that Arnie, I am here because you need something behind your ear and I know just what it is. But it will cost you". Arnold don’t care how much it would cost, he had been saving money made by giving hand jobs to the monkeys in the zoo and could afford to pay anything. "I don't care Edgar. Tell me what you've got".  

And it was at this moment that Arnold’s life changed forever. "Arnie ol' buddy, ol' pal. I've got flaps.....".

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