The Idiot Boy Guide Too History (Part 1)

A brief guide according too a modern idiot
Part one explores how the earth was created, part two to follow


1. The Idiot Boy History Of Time, and Stuff

The world was invented in its current form in 1746 by Apple, previous to this Microsoft had built a flat version. Sadly this ended with the developments of Apple iEarth, which unlike its predecessor was virus free, and not riddled with worms, with its added round format things where able to stay on the system…..I mean planet, and not get lost in the endless space time continuum.

As the world developed to the theme tune of never give you up by rick Astley, there was several milestones, the dates are not certain as history was only invented as an app shortly after the world was created. Here is a brief breakdown of major events as recorded by Guinness before they settled on making world records instead of Beer:

Electricity was invented when a small child shoved a fork in a toaster to get his pop tarts out, sadly not much is known about this child other then he died shortly after this, and the pop tarts where chocolate flavoured

The next major discovery was the Starbucks chain, discovered in a small woods outside of London, the Starbucks people quickly expanded with their wide knowledge of generic coffee and soft jazz music, to this day there is a small shrine built in the original woods surrounding the coffee fountain where Starbucks is formed, they say if you drink straight from this, you will never sleep again.

It wasn’t always this peaceful, the coffee tribes known as the Costa Clan, and Nero Neanderthals, spent many minutes battling each other, bodies where often found on the battlefields with stirrers sticking out their eyes, many of the tribes who had ran out of coffee where discovered shaking in the corner of dark rooms and could only be saved with a direct caffeine drip.

As in any history there are knights as well as days. As well as other things but most importantly there are events, after the battle of Coffee, (1898 6:03am – 1898 6:55am), it was decided that a council of the round table would be formed, this ensured piece and harmony and regular games of soggy biscuit, which was not invented for another 5 years, when Lord Digestive accidently put snails into a cement mixer, and the Digestive biscuit was born, shortly followed by soggy biscuit, shortly followed by an increase in the gay community, who mainly lived close to the rainbow, but that story is for another time. The Knights of the Round Table, ensured that all fast food, and convenient tribes (not including the spar Spartans, who sadly where massacred by the Co-op cribs), worked in harmony, and charged 200% mark up on all products.

History records are very blurred after this period, but I believe according to sources that a nap was taken (Source: The voice in my head I call Rita, she’s lovely but has an obsession with cats, the animal not the musical, that’s another matter I mean what a f**king disappoint that was, trading standards will be getting a letter about that one, I mean I wanted to see some damn pussy on stage, not women dressed in lycra).

Shortly after this nap.. well straight after one would imagine, mankind and Idiot kind awoke spooning and realised he was hungry and must simply invent food otherwise risk starving to death, this would probably not do as the history would be very short and basically bono would get involved to help feed Idiot kind and lets face it, no one wants that too happen.

So instead the Happy Meal was invented, the most ironic food creation in any universe, a food source, that actually contains no nutritional value or food whatsoever, but still it came with a free toy, and therefore the Idiot kind where happy for a brief time with this creation………well for at least ten minutes before they realised that in fact a ton of additives only made them more hyper and hungry, a vicious circle ensued and yet another battle broke out.

And with this we enter one of the darkest times in the Idiot World…..or as others put it, “night time”

Up until this point the idiot world had not known anything outside of its padded cell, things on the whole where cosy, but when you have the attention span of a gnat then really how much do you need to explore the outside world? But events where about to change, Burger King had just set sail from the new world with the promise of fry flavoured salt, and 100% pure rat beef burgers, ready to infiltrate the McDonalds infidels and wage a fast food war, Or at best form a coalition food corporation with KFC, although KFC was not to be invented for another 10 years when an army experiment with chicken missiles went horribly wrong and a chicken ended up the arse of a colonel thus the “fried chicken surprise” was created.

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