Little Pieces of Heaven


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1. Little Pieces of Heaven

 

 

Emptiness. My head is a mess. Against my will I keep playing the memories of you in my head. Like movies I can’t quite comprehend but that still touches something deep within me, they keep rolling by. If I could stop the film or just pause it, I would stay in the memory with you. I would never let you go. But the movie keeps playing, unmercifully changing scenes with no pausing – no time with you. I don’t remember participating and although they’re my movies, my memories, my life, all I can do is watch as they play before my eyes. It feels like I’m slowly disappearing, becoming one with my mattress. These little movies fill me with your absence. I want to cry. Your absence shares its place with my guilt. Guilt of being selfish. If I told you this, you’d tell me I’d be the last person you’d think selfish but I know better.

 

We’re at your sister’s. It’s our last day together before I go back and then I won’t see you for God knows how long. I’m alone on the sofa right now. You and she went out to get dinner. God, what’s wrong with me? I could’ve just said it was our last night together and I wanted to be alone with you. Instead I acted like a sulking toddler. On the surface, I wanted you to yearn for being alone with me too, but it goes deeper. Like always, I’m afraid you’ll see the real me – see how selfish I am. Then you’d surely leave. Abruptly the door slams open and you’re both back. You’re smiling and you’re happy though I was unreasonable, and I feel even guiltier. I smile back.  Truth is I love hanging out with your sister. I love hanging out with your entire family. They’re all so warm, caring and fun. I love them like they were my own family. So I smile. I always get sad when I know I won’t see you again for a long time, and every single time, it tears me up a little inside, but I decide to be cheerful and pretty soon, it catches on – I’m happy again.

 

It’s past 23:00 when we leave the apartment and head home. In the car we’re chatting and goofing around as always. I’m complaining about the music on the radio and how they can never seem to play proper music. You beam at me and turn up the volume. “I know you like this song! I heard you singing it the other day when I got home from work”

“Let it be” is blasting out the speakers and I’m lost in memories. Unlike the memories of you, these memories aren’t little movies, but only incoherent clips, as if someone had put together all of the deleted scenes of the movie. My dad’s playing the guitar and I’m singing. I smile. Then suddenly there’s another clip. I’m alone in the street calling for help. Another clip. My dad’s in the hospital bed, pale and stiff. I kiss him.

“Turn it off, please”. You say something but I can’t focus and the words don’t make any sense to me. I start sobbing and you look at me, confused.

“It’s just – I used to sing it with my dad. I miss him.”

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry honey”. You look genuinely upset.

“You didn’t know. I’m okay”, but the clip is frozen and the feeling lingers – my lips are still kissing his cold cheek.

“We’re not going home until I’ve made you smile” you say and turn the car around. You pull me close, still driving and I kiss you.

“I’m okay, really – I have you. I love you more than anything”, I say and you smile at me, but keep on driving. You refuse to tell me where we’re going though we drive for an hour. Then you suddenly pull up. I don’t recognize this place at all. We get out and we’re on a beach. It’s midnight. As we walk there next to the water, you beam at me and I beam back. You grab me around my waist and pull me close. When you start dancing I’m humming in your ear.

I love you.

You plant kisses all over my face as you pull me even closer. I look up at the sky. What did I ever do to deserve you? I want to freeze this exact scene and stay here forever. Heaven, I’m in Heaven… I’ve never been this happy. I never want to leave. My lips are only kissing yours. I’ll do anything to stay here with you, wrapped in our happiness, but everything goes dark. You’re gone. The movie has ended and there are no credits, no final words – there’s no hope. Every day I pray that this will be the day I’ll get to stay and keep my little piece of Heaven. It may not be real but what’s reality oppose to happiness?

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