My Bright Stars


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1. My Bright Stars

My Bright Stars

 

There are 74 knots in my ceiling. I draw a line between them with my eyes. When I was a kid I used to have little drawing books and I would draw lines to connect the dots. When I got a little older I drew a magical line between the stars to create a connection and a deeper meaning. I grab one of the lines in the ceiling with my hand and pull it gently.

 

You came into my life fast and I liked it. Like a storm you swept me off my feet. It was as if the stars aligned and everything I'd ever questioned had been answered. You called me your Blueberry Girl, because you said my skin had a faint yet distinct scent of blueberries. We'd met by accident - the loviest of the kind. In the long nights when my body shivered with anxiety and bad memories, you'd sing to me. I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill, on Blueberry Hill where I found you. You'd hold me close and I'd close my eyes to the world and let you kiss them. All that was bad would disappear and all I saw behind my eyelids was your loving face. I gently tug another line with my other hand and hold on, as I lift my upper body off the bed.

 

One morning, a month into our relationship, you woke me up with kisses. You took me to the car and as always I followed you with blind trust though I'd no clue what our destination would be. We often got in the car and drove around for no other reason than to sing along to the music. However, this wasn't one of those times. We drove for hours on end but I never noticed. I hardly even noticed that we left Holland and drove into Belgium. All I noticed was you holding me and singing along. Happy nights together, we'd be spending - I wish that every kiss was neverending. Close your eyes, you said and as I did, we crossed another boarder. When I opened my eyes again I was exactly where I'd always wanted to be - in France, with you. We had a lovely evening as we walked around in our own little world in Paris. It was without doubt the best evening of my life, and best of all was that I got to share it with the most important person in my life - you. As we sailed down the Seine and you held me, I felt closer to you than ever. It was clear to me that a love like ours was rare and special and should be protected and nurtured like a wounded bird. I stretch my left leg and grab a line with my toes, clutching them.

 

Although we protected each other and loved each other beyond everything, our love started to change. A storm never lasts forever, and we were unable to slow down, unable to tame our love though we tried. Maybe that's where we went wrong. Maybe love isn't supposed to be tamed but is meant to run free, whether it's a storm, a tornado or a breeze. The nature of love is strong, intense and breathtaking like our love was. It never dies and though it sometimes fades with time the love you've shared shines inside of you like a star gone cold. I stretch my right leg and grab the line tight. It hurts, but I'm finally flying like when we were together.

 

The knots turn into stars and the stars turn into our memories. Each one of them shining like tiny suns.  Though I know there won't ever be an Us again, I know with certainty that I'll always love you. In my heart there'll always be a spot for you right next to my dad. I love you. I hope to find another love like ours, but I know I never will. I want to keep flying close to our memories. I can almost reach them, touch them. I use my abs to push myself upwards but the line is too tight.

 

The magical string that kept everything together; us, our memories, our future, me; breaks and all of our memories, our stars that used to twinkle grow cold as they hit the floor. All we have left now is broken memories. Even our future lays shattered on the ground with us. Everything has a limited lifetime. Maybe a love that comes as fast and is as intense as ours and sweeps you off the ground has a shorter lifetime. Like everything else, all love stories have an end - ours just ended too soon. Nothing is eternal.

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