Mumble Discussions: A New Step

  • Alviss Brown

    mumbled "A New Step "

    10 months agoReply
    There are a few of you that know I am a university student, and maybe a few who know that I've suffered with anxiety since year 11 (age 15/16)(that's when I was diagnosed anyway.)
    I went through college hardly being able to sit through an entire lesson without bursting into tears. My teachers tried hard to make sure I was okay and keep me on track with work, but in the end this once-all-A-grades student finished college with grades that I felt didn't truly show my ability.
    I was disappointed in myself, but didn't know where I'd gone wrong. Mentally, I was in the dirt.
    University loomed over me in perpetual terror - being who I was, struggling as I did to even last one day without bursting into tears, how was I supposed to even live independently, never mind succeed?
    And people reassured me - 'University is a different environment. You'll make friends, you'll do well, you're clever.'
    I couldn't believe them. I didn't feel clever. I didn't even feel likeable. College had taught me that any friend I had made would eventually turn against me - and so I must not be likeable, I must be annoying.
    University terrified me.
    But once I was here, once I was adjusted (and it did take a few months), I started to realise that, without knowing just how much, all those people who told me that everything would be okay were right.
    I made friends - people who love me and tell me how they can't imagine life without me. I'm still getting to grips with that, but I'm getting it slowly that maybe - just maybe - there are people out here who I could be with until I am old and grey.
    I'm doing well with my grades, too - 1st and 2:1s cover my marks, with the odd slip. I'm still adapting to the grading system, too, but I'm getting there.
    Now, halfway through my second year of uni, finally, I am starting to see this- to recognise (to be ABLE TO ADMIT TO MYSELF) that I am getting better, that things can and will get better, despite my slip ups, despite my failings, I can achieve what I want to achieve.
    Today I have taken another step - I have created a brand new society, entirely on my own initiative.
    From being someone who burst into tears when I couldn't answer a question, I am now someone who feels - and is - capable of standing at the head of a committee, directing them.
    I still have anxiety, and I have plenty of bad days, but I am now the President of a society and I've not cried once at the prospect. My heart is full with hope and excitement.
    For once, I am able to believe that I can do this.

    And for some, this may seem minor - all unis have societies, and each one has a president, hundreds and hundreds of society presidents throughout all of the UK - but for me it is the greatest step I have ever taken.
    I am making bounds towards a future that, only a year and a half ago, I never thought I would have.
    But I can see it now.
    And I can do this.

    You can do this, too.

    (Thanks for listening to me ramble on. This is important.)