Electi

by
Little Miss Nightlock
+ like 12
  • Published:
    4 Aug 12
  • On 7 favourite lists
  • 1964 views
Blurb The world is being haunted by demons and soon, not a single human will exist on Planet Earth. Just terrifying creatures determined to adopt the entire universe, and kill all other forms of life. And the only people who can save us are a group of chosen ones. Teenagers with skills not yet discovered. But it’s not going to be easy- In fact, it will be the hardest thing any of them have ever done. The demons will do anything in their power to stop them; absolutely anything. Obstacles will appear. Relationships will be destroyed, and people’s strengths will be tested to their limits. How far would you go to save the lives of the people you love?
Plot keywords:
mystery, demmons, thriller, elodie, action
Category:
Fantasy
Rating:
Approx 17 minutes to read


Electi

1. One.

I leaned on the school gate. Caleb should be here by now, I thought to myself. It had been fifteen minutes since school finished, and he was still not here. Caleb and I have always met at the back entrance to walk home together- have done since we began secondary school three years ago.  He's my best friend, most other girls think I'm weird, having a best friend that's a boy, and they always tease me saying that I fancy him. I don't care. we're really close,  always have been and always will be. I got my mobile out of my bag, and typed his number in, when I heard my name being called. I'd recognise that voice anywhere. I looked up the field and saw him running towards me, grinning. He gave me a hug, and apologised for his lateness.

"Where have you been?" I asked him, curiously.

"Sorry Elodie, Mrs Hertz had to talk to me. 'Caleb start concentrating in class and get your homework in on time!'" He replied, mocking her tone of voice, and, actually, it was a surprisingly accurate impression. I giggled, and we began strolling home. Caleb wasn't speaking to me, he was just staring at the ground, ambling along. Normally he chatters on all the time- I can't get a word in edgeways!- but he was being unusually quiet, and there was an awkward silence lingering between us both. I tried starting up conversations, but he just whispered "yeah..." and said nothing more. I started to get a bit worried; he is only ever quiet when something's upsetting him.

"What's wrong, Caleb?" I smiled, encouraging him to tell me.

"Nothing..." he muttered. I sighed.

"Yeah right... Caleb, I've known you for too long. you can't lie to me. Now tell me why you're ignoring me. Don't argue with me. just tell me", I sternly replied. I grabbed his shoulders, stopping him from walking on, and lifted his head up. what I saw surprised me. His eyes were red, and he had bruises and little cuts on his cheek. I put my hand to my mouth.

"Oh, not again..." I exclaimed, rolling my eyes. "Lance and his gang. Oh for God's sake, I'm sick of them thinking they can take advantage of you! Tomorrow, I'm going to see them- put them straight. Caleb, you can't let them do this to you!" "No! Elodie, don't go and see them. You have no idea what they could do to you! And after you, what are they going to do to me? Just stay out of it, okay!" He cried. He pushed me away, and just like that, he ran off. I was completely taaken aback! I don't think I've ever seen him so frustrated and upset. The Caleb I know can control his temper so easily, and never gets angry. Lance and his gang- The LAN -Must be getting to him. This bullying problem must be a lot worse than I firat imagined...

I opened the door to my house and greeted my mum with a hug. I threw my bag and my shoes under my radiator and started to run upstairs, until my mum stopped me. I turned around to her, but I had already guessed what she was going to say. Homework. Stupid, damn homework-always getting in the way of the stuff I want to do! And plus, my mum always makes me do it the day I get it.

"Mum, I'm busy tonight, I'll do my homework tomorrow. it's not due in for another week!" I told her.

"No, you'll be doing your homework tonight. now, in fact." she replied. I rolled my eyes.

"But mum, I need to talk to my friends. I have a life, you know, and it doesn't always revolve around homework. You never seem to care about what I want!" I exclaimed. I regretted saying that straight away. Her face fell, and she looked hurt. I felt guilty, but what I said was true; it's what I felt. I continued running upstairs, without saying another word, or even looking at her. I flicked my stereo on and put in a CD, before turning it up to full volume. I like doing this. the loud music helps me drown out everything that's happening and it helps me to relax. Even if its upbeat music I still like to listen to it loudly. I looked around my room for something to do.

I must have been on my laptop for hours, because it was 9.00pm when I heard a knock on my door. My mum walked in, the earlier hurt on her face replaced by obvious anger.

"Elodie I'm going to town tomorrow. and you're coming with me." she snapped.

"But mum, I'm going to Nadia's house after school..."

"Yes, however I won't be home in time to pick you up, so your coming with me." I couldn't believe it. how could she cancel my plans just because she can't pick me up?

"Mum, I can walk. I'm 15 now, I don't need you standing over me all the time!" The distance between our houses is quite far, but still, I need some independence!

"You are not walking all that way yourself!" she shouted back at me. my mouth dropped open.

"All that way? Mum, my friends walk further than that most days! Why do you have to be like this all the time? always wanting to be so overprotective! Newsflash, mum, I'm fifteen! FIFTEEN! Oh for God's sake. I'm going to Caleb's." I knew Caleb wouldn't want to see me after earlier, but I needed to get away from mum. She didn't even protest. she just walked out of my room.

"Fine." she replied. I grabbed my phone, with a lump in my throat, determined not to cry. I rushed downstairs kissed my little sister, Tasha, and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me.

 

 

Comments (14)

  • bobsicleThis is so exciting! Also, sometimes in fantasy people create completely unbelievable characters, but Elodie is very realistic. I can't wait to read more of this! :)
  • xxxMaryEllenxxxCan't believe not more people have read this, this is amazing! You have a very good plot here, just try and keep the pace a bit better because at some parts it seems rushed.
    Are you going to explain more about this gang that are bullying Caleb?
    I've noticed a few things in the chapters I should point out, nothing major but possibly a help in the writing.
    Chapter One:
    In the very first line you either need to discard the comma or the full-stop.
    You seem to change tense very slightly; maybe change 'meet' to 'met'.
    You don't necessarily need the comma before 'three years ago'.
    You use quite a lot of '-'s so maybe substitute them for semi colons or commas.
    When they are talking about Lance and his gang you need to separate their speech with a line. You should always start new speech on a different line.
    When she gets home, then word 'stupid' should have a capital 'S'. The stuff about her mum acting like Elodie having no social life doesn't seem necessary(in my opinion).

    Chapter Two:
    Try and separate bulky paragraphs. My attention span is bad so I find myself skipping long sections of writing.
    How is the mud dry when you said it was raining?
    The last paragraph could easily be split into two or three smaller ones.

    Chapter Three:
    The description is very good:D but again, just watch the small typos, make sure speech from different people is one a new line and try and split up some of those paragraphs.

    Chapter Four:
    Minor spelling mistake in the first paragraph. I'm pretty sure 'thee' should be 'the'.
    Same things as I've said for the other chapters. Minor typos, watch the speech and paragraphs are crucial!:D

    Chapter Five:
    Write '4' as 'four'.
    The end paragraph is huge. Here's a tip, each paragraph should be about one or two things. If you write one sentence and the following sentence is on a different topic, create a new paragraph:)

    Sorry if this seems really direct, but I give truthful CC to pieces I read that have huge potential. Think of it as a compliment, I wouldn't have taken the time to read this thoroughly and point out things if I didn't like it and see an amazing amount of potential:)
    Sorry for it being so long aswel:/
    Little Miss NightlockThank you so much! I love to recieve comments like these, it makes me feel as though people have thoroughly read my work. I'll definately take your thoughts into account and sort out the errors. Thank you!!!!!! :D x
    xxxMaryEllenxxxYour welcome:D I'm glad you didn't take it the wrong way, I love it, I really do :Dx
    Little Miss Nightlockthank you! :') x
  • Crystal BooksHey briony I think ur book is great plz check out mine called faces in the flames thx I will favourite this book it's amazing keep writing ;)
  • Dibbswow! really good! a few typos but no major mistakes, keep going :)
  • Emily Jane HeatleyLove it. I will defiantly recommended it and I can't wait for chapter four :) x
    Little Miss Nightlockthanks! What do you mean by recommend it? :3 x
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