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Demons run

by
Alfie
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  • Published:
    6 Aug 12
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Blurb in 2050 the world shall shift into one island, it has been divided into four warring countries.
Plot keywords:
future, 4 countries, war
Category:
Fantasy
Rating:
Approx 2 minutes to read


Demons run

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1. demons run

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                    chapter 1

                                                                                       last day at home know

hi I am alfie im a 12 year old boy I am moving to day. Well I don't know why I am moving but it all started a week a go. Ring ring one morning mum go a phone call it said demons run  beeeeeeeep mum said thats weird. Next day me and mum went to a charity shop to sell so old clothes in there was a old carpet on it said demons run. Aaaaaah two days have past mum is screaming because some one was writing demons run so on here car.

                                                                                                       chapter2 

                                                                                                   we are there                                                                                                                

 

That's it I am now leaving bye. hello I am there at my sleep in the same room  with my  6 year old bother and 3 year old sister. a week later sister sister  

my sister went down this stairs now I am stuck down a hole wow there's a light ha ha sister aaaah sister touch that light...        

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Comments (7)

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  • the killerits good but need improving :)
  • Derpysaurus PowerAlfie I think you need a co auther mate just for the spellings a gramma and that sort of thing i would be happy to help
    The Girl Next DoorGrammar* I*
    I wouldn't do that Fenn, I don't think it would work somehow.
  • S.R. AroraI completely understand the blurb, but the chapters?
    1. Write more.
    2. The font is so messy, it makes the reader not want to read.
    3. Your vocabulary and word choice is relatively poor.
    4. You should probably use speech marks.

    This story doesn't make any sense to me. Neither do I think other people may have understood it. But none the less, you can improve. Keep it up and keep writing!
  • Enya Sanders Hmmm. I think your concept was advertised well in the blurb, however I think you could improve on this loads.
    1) The change of font is messy , and doesn't add any contribution to the story whatsoever
    2) There are individual places for chapters, so I suggest moving your chapter two to th respective slot for chapter two in editing
    3) Your sentences don't flow well. You need to add in various words and punctuation in numerous places
    4) Like TGND said, you need speech marks
    5) Don't use yourself as the main character. Change your name, or something. It's just odd when people write directly about themselves in fiction.
    6) I just generally highly recommend redoing this story entirely
    Hope I've helped.
  • The Girl Next DoorThis makes no sense. Changing font size constantly is never a good idea. There is no scene set in it. No speech marks. You said "That's it I am now leaving bye. hello i am there at my sleep in the same room with my 6 year old brother and 3 year old sister. a week later sister sister
    my sister went down this stairs now I am stuck down a hole wow there's a light ha ha sister aaaah sister touch that light..." Where to start. How did you get there? Where is the capital in all of the sentences other than the first? How did your main character get from his old house to his new house to a bedroom to stairs to a hole to a light?
    the killertrue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
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