1. OMG!
As if! In front of my boyfriend as well! He saw my mascara drip, it rolled down my cheek, like a waterfall. I told him that I never wore make up, now he things I'm a liar. Well, I suppose he's right, but everything was going perfectly between us, we never rowed or bickered. We were the perfect couple, with no faults. Suddenly, my phone began to ring, i peered over to my phone and saw his name 'Blake' written across the screen, I wasn't sure whether to answer or hang up. Reluctantly I picked up the handset.
"Hi Blake, why did you ring? I thought we were over?" I said in an awkward way, I wasn't sure wether this was meant to be the 'i made the wrong decision call' or not.
His voice began almost like a whisper, "I don't want you back! No! I was just ringing to say the oppisite in fact - i just wanted to check that you knew we were over." In the background I could hear another girl telling Blake to get off her.
"Who's that Blake? The girl in the background?" I laughed imagining him with another girl.
In a depressing tone, Blake replied, " I can't keep lieing to you, this is my girlfriend you can hear Sonya, we have been going out for about six months!" i dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom, my mascara ran again, reminding me of the time we broke up. Those happy days. But I just can't believe that he would do something like this to me. After all we've been through!
Maybe try and show her emotions a bit more, like"My heart broke there and then, I could feel it cracking inside" or something very emotional.
Also, you've done a good beginning, but you come into it a bit too fast. Beginnings with action are good, but try and pace it a bit more, describe what's going on.
But otherwise, a good beginning keep it up!
If you have time, could you check out my movella Sorry?I would love your opinion!