Cave

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by
natoli
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  • Published:
    26 Apr 12
  • On 5 favourite lists
  • 977 views
Blurb The Cave shall take over...
Plot keywords:
death,  cave,  fear
Category:
Poetry
Approx 1 minutes to read

Cave

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1. They take my life

 There,right in front of me,half-hidden by the crag lay my final destination. Dark sillouets projected onto the rocky,steep side. Yet I'm alone. A shiver was sent up my spine. The never-ending darkness consumes me. Now I stand,still but shaking. I await them. They are predators and I am their prey. Their victim. The skull's eyes on the floor stare into mine,not moving for a second,I close my eyes,blocking out distractions. I slowly breathe in through my nose,wishing they would get it other with. Why me? Why anybody? The filthy killers! They have haunted me for years,I have ran away,but not this time,this time I will die and I will not be afraid. They take my life...

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Comments (20)

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  • Tru :)wow. this is very discriptive, and has a lot of emotion. you can reel readers in, and get them hooked. this is very good, considering how young you are, but then again, don't listen to me as i am only twelve. XD great work, kiddo. (now i'm just teasing you.)
  • THOSMIAwesom Oli, I told you I would read it.
    Please write more though, an interesting death is always fun
    natoliThanks Teej! R u writing more of blackout? Sure I'll write more ! I may do a trilogy,do u think I should?
  • VeritasOk first of all you need to put in a space between the commas. I think you forgot it through the whole text. bla bla bla, (space) bla bla vbla. :D

    Watch out for the tenses. You begin by saying: 'There, right in front of me...... lay my final destination'. This is present tense. But then in the next line you say, ' A shiver was sent up my spine' which is past tense.

    Then you misplaced a comma between ' Now I stand' & ' still but shaking'. I think you meant to write, ' Now I stand still, but shaking.' ?

    Besides that it looks great and promising with very picturesque description. Looking forward to read more! ;D

    In the second last line you say 'I have ran away'. Now 'I have' indicates that it's the present perfect tense which means you shouldn't put the verb 'run' into past tense but keep it in present tense ' run'. 'I have run away.'
    natoliWow, thanks for spotting that! It's actualt meant to be 'now I stand, still but shaking ' :)
  • DinakarA good piece .It can be a story or poem but the anguish of the haunted is nicely expressed
  • natoliYES! I shall now declare this a POEM!!! My first poem!!! hope u like it .
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