I don’t know, I don’t want to feel. I can hear her, crying all over me. Not even caring what she was doing to me. Did she think? Hell no. She just did it. She said it all. Words, powerful things. All they are is shapes made by a saliva wetted mouth coated in the taste of a breath.
Two words that bought something shattering to my attention. Imagine crashing your face through a window, in slow-motion, the glass slowly cutting into your flesh like it was butter. Imagine that times a thousand and you still are no were near the shock and pain I am feeling.
It’s like in saving private Ryan, when you can’t hear shit, and you just look around.
Two words, that can be both savage and beautiful. ‘I’m pregnant.’ When said by a loving spouse it probably all you can do to stop yourself hitting the moon. When told to you by an unfaithful, unloving on and off girl friend who you constantly fight with. That my friends is the definition of hell.
She told me. And like a coward – I’m sure that is the word she threw around to her bitch friends – but I was doing all I could to make it all compute. She and I hadn’t done anything for a month. I always used a condom, at her disapproval. I’m not some of these last minutes whip it out and spill it people I prefer precaution. I would rather feel less than have to pick out baby clothes. No cumshot is worth that.
But she has had loads of boyfriends. She couldn’t have been sure it was me. But god damn it she picked me. Probably because I was the least likely to pull out of the relationship as fast as I well..pulled out.
Because she knew I would crawl back. She knew, given maybe three days at the most. I would come back. And I would be completely ready to take responsibilities that aren’t even mine. Even if the kid is born black, Chinese hell even a dog. I would care for it. Provide.
She knew this. And that is why she did all of this. Just from the look on her face. I had bought flowers, I was ready to commit, I even texted her, she said she would meet me. We were going to talk. But like I said. She didn’t think, well, that’s the thing, she did. I know now she knew exactly. When I walked away from a kid that was likely not mine, and after I came to my senses and realised that she isn’t that bad, that I could be happy. She takes it away.
I saw her walking out of the abortion clinic. She looked at me and sneered.
But that isn’t the complete deal. The real kicker was she wasn’t pregnant. This was the one big fuck with Kevin time. One big joke. To what? dump me? The sex isn’t that bad surely. I’m not angry for the right reasons. It’s wrong to be angry over the petty things, I should be angry I lost a relationship, that she cheated on me all the time, that she belittled me, but I’m angry because she thought for a second that she and I could have had a life. I saw her eyes. The tears were real. I think she convinced herself she was pregnant. I think she wanted to snare me in. And when I didn’t bite. She went for blood.
But I don’t care. I mean for starters it all sounds like the newest east enders episode, hell even a skins story line. A girl so caught up in her make believe that she hurts as many people as possible. I’m not sure how to feel. How does one feel when a part of you that didn’t exist is aborted? Because technically it was an abortion. The life that I kind of wanted, still do, taken away. I want a life with someone, I grow old, have kids, and if not with her, then with someone else. In fact she won’t be on the list. I think I will go for someone more adjusted. I want to say ‘like me’ but I doubt I’m any better. I mean I went out with her for however long it was.