I wanted you to know that things were different when you left. Not when you left permanently, things had started to go wrong already when you moved country. The tight permanent rope that held us together unravelled. At first it wasn’t noticeable, but then one day, I realized that I was alone. That’s how most things go, I guess.
I started spending less time with Fey. I don’t spend any time with her anymore. She did this shut down in on herself. She’s still as smart as ever. And she’s still my main competition at school, but that’s about it. I think she has a new boyfriend. I hope that he treats her better than her last one.
I still study hard. I still get good grades. Right now I’m in my room; I’m supposed to be studying. It’s freezing in here. Colder than it is outside, so I can keep awake and study. If you’re wondering, I’m not off those pills. I tried, I really did Lei, but I can’t stand being second best. Without my pills, I can’t keep awake, I can’t learn. And it makes me second best.
I redecorated my room recently. It’s a cooler shade of blue, so it makes me relax, yet keeps me stimulated at the same time. Like the ocean. I’ve always liked the ocean. Everywhere you go is sea, and you feel so small, and insignificant in regards to the whole world. For once, I feel like messing up is okay; it won’t stop the world from moving round. The world is so much bigger than that; so much bigger than I. Does that make sense?
And now I can breathe. The only thing that I hate is the stupid pill wall behind me. It stands out; all of them are bright red. Apparently you can tell what pills do from their colour. Mine are bright red, remember Lei? They’re bright red for stimulation. My parents are trying to get the even stronger stuff off the doctors. The ones that I have are quite strong already, too many and I could die instantly. But the ones my parents are trying to get? Lethal. They’re called Exylum (I’m probably spelling it wrong) or something like that. I can’t remember too well to be perfectly honest.
I told my Mum that I was fine with the pills that I had, and she got angry at me. “It’s worth the risk!” she said, “Without them you’d be dumb and stupid!”, “Without artificial brains you don’t have anything else!” She said. I sometimes wonder if being top of the class is enough for my parents. I don’t know what else they want. Red pills are my only friend. That sounds so sad.
But ever since you went, I’ve been trying less and less. Trying less with everything, friends, people, Fey. My parents wouldn’t let me come to see you, or even go to your funeral. I’m sorry I couldn’t send you off right. I think Fey went. I hope she went, I think it would be sad if none of the golden three were there.
The thing is Lei, I’m lonely. Everyone’s my competition. I have no friends anymore. And the more I think about it, the more I’m tempted to join you, wherever you are. Is it nice? Is it hot? I know you would hate it if it was below 20 degrees C. You know me, I’m a coward. I don’t think that I could do it. Join you, I mean. I’m scared of what will happen to me.
I just got a lump in my throat.
I really want to finish writing this letter without crying. And I think I’ll write to you more Lei, I’ll definitely write at least one more time. I regret not doing it sooner.
I heard a snippet of a song, about a week ago. I'll put in in context for us. It was a folk song. And I knew you always wanted to learn how to play the fiddle.
"A penny for your thoughts? Alright then. I’ll give you a dollar. Thoughts are worth so much more when you’re a goner. Maybe when I’m gone they’ll hear the words I was trying to say. It’s hilarious, that when you’re dead. People start listening a whole lot more."