Kim,

Firstly, may I congratulate you on the new job.

I'm a man of few words Kim, but I felt it neccessary to write you a brief letter to outline a few behavioural guidelines:

1. Do not in any situation think it is acceptable to kidnap my daughter.

2. No Nuclear weapons.

3. Do not ring me at work.

4. You may have a girls name, but do not try to fuck me.

5. No jokes about what happened in Spearmint Rhino. My drink was spiked, I was not in control.

If you are thinking of breaching any of these guidelines, may I just remind you that it will take me less than 24 hours to get to you (including advert breaks).

P.S. I am sorry for the loss of your father, but I had to do it.

As always, yours faithfully,

Jack Bauer

Bitch....