We are laying next to each other since there weren’t any rooms other than singles. He doesn’t like me. I can tell from the way he is laying, totally straight and as far away from me as possible. Even the description of it says a lot about him. I tried to lay as far away from him as possible too, and I even went as far as to get another blanket, just so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable using the same blanket as me.
If things were different, this would’ve been a dream-like scenario. Him laying in the same bed as me, and being able to see every hair of his long, blonde eyelashes. It’s no wonder he used to be so crazy popular with girls with his looks, but he coloured his hair white not too long ago, and has looked like an albino ever since. Scared all the girls off, it did. Well, it’s not as if it’s bothering me. It’s for the better, I think. I should be grateful… and I do like how he looks with white hair… who am I kidding? I would like how he looked even if he was bald and wore a pink eye patch over a perfectly good eye. I love everything about him. I trace his features with my eyes, and imagine touching him as I go. I love his hair, his eyes, his nose, oh and his full lips that only seem fuller and pinker as we’re laying here… I love his slender neck, and all of his… body... As I move my gaze downwards and study every inch of the man laying beside me, I feel a tingling sensation in a place that I haven’t felt it in for a long time. I don’t watch porn - doesn’t interest me - but I hear that watching porn does the same to you. It's hard. Very. Hard. Did I just get a hard one on from watching my friend just LAYING there? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks, and I feel weirdly helpless and alone. I’m sure I don’t like him. I couldn’t. It’s not possible. A comedy song about paedophiles comes to mind:
”My mind is telling me no
but my body…
… my body is telling me yes!”
Great, grouping myself with paedophiles makes me feel even better about this. Is there something wrong with me? Whatever, let’s just go to sleep. I should stop watching him so much anyway. Would probably freak him the hell out if he knew.
I drift off, but then I wake up again. I try laying in different positions while, still, keeping as far away from him as possible. I turn on my side, turn on my back again… It doesn’t go away, and I can’t sleep because of it. I reluctantly move closer to him. I don’t know why, I just felt the urge to. Just a little closer. Just a bit. I see his hand sticking out from under the blanket. It’s weirdly spread out with the palm facing upwards. Can you sleep like that? He is asking for it, isn’t he? I’m close enough to him now - it’s a single bed after all, so despite it being quite large it's still crammed with two people on it, and moving just a little was enough - so should I do it? I feel the heat radiating from my whole face and the blood rushing through my body. My gender is throbbing. I’m so close to him now. I can see every part of his face. His eyes are closed. His breathing controlled. He is asleep. I debate bringing out my gender, but just in case he wakes up I don’t want him to see me doing this. I decide on letting it be in my training pants. I’m not wearing underwear anyway, so it’s sticking straight out. I’m going to brush it off as an accident, if he asks. I am. I move a bit upwards on the bed so that my gender is level with his hand, and then I put it onto his hand. I feel my heart beating faster. It’s almost as if we have P.E. again. He always hated changing next to me during P.E. … and he hates being touched by me. Scoring a goal didn’t even earn me a high-five. It wasn’t always like this… So why? As I think this I feel a sensation that I never thought I would feel. He clenched his fist around it. He did. But he is still asleep. I let out a small moan. He might be dreaming and mistook it for something else. I’m sure he is asleep. He must be. It’s hard to see, in the dark, but his eyes are still closed. Can I enjoy this? Just for a moment? Fuck… I want more... I try to move a bit so that his hand would be stroking it, but I stop after a couple tries. I don’t want to wake him up. Please, please don’t wake up. I feel weird. I’ve never felt this before. I don’t love him, I know I don’t. Is it just because he is a man? But I don’t like the other guys’ looks like I like his. I adore him. He is so handsome… no, he is gorgeous. Fuck. Shit. What do I do now?
“This is bad,” I mumble out loud as I cover my face in shame. I want more, but I’ve already received so much…