Clumsy Hans

Dette er mit produkt fra emneugen på min skole. Vores opgave gik ud på, at vi skulle omskrive eventyret Klods Hans. Desuden måtte den ikke være skrevet på dansk, men skulle være skrevet på enten engelsk, tysk, fransk eller alle tre blandet sammen. God fornøjelse!


1. Clumsy Hans

The year is 1918 and the war has still marked the land of England. Very much of it is exploded and gone, and what there is left, cannot bring any crops. Many people in that destroyed land seemed quite angry, since their land was almost gone, but they knew just who to blame and so did the people of France. Therefore, since England and France are (and always has been) strong allies, Germany was ordered to pay a war damage compensation - as a replacement for all the lives and land they had taken.

Now, there was no doubt that these three nationalities hated each other. Nevertheless, far out in the country in an old mansion lived an Englishman, a Frenchman and a German. They lived with an old farmer, who they called father, although he was not, but he took care of them as if they were his sons. The Englishman and the Frenchman were close friends, so close that they actually would call each other brother. They were both very worldly-wise, and so they decided to go out and propose to the King´s daughter, because she had announced in the newspaper, that she was without a man, and she would take he who could speak and had most to say for himself.

And so - the two brothers, who were not really brothers, began preparing themselves, and they did that eight days beforehand. That was all the time they had, but it was just enough, since the two men had quite many accomplishments. The Englishman could speak many languages from all around the world; Latin included. Furthermore, he could memorize whole books in his head and that so good that people rather listened to him than read the book themselves. The other was a law student and he could talk better than all the aldermen at the King’s court. He could speak about governmental affairs and beside that, he was gentle and very good with his fingers.

“I will have the Princess!” said the Englishman, as the “father” gave him a coal-black horse.

"Non, j’aurai la princesse!” said the Frenchman and the “father” gave him a horse too, but this horse was snow-white.  Then they smeared oil on their lips so that they would shine in the sunlight.

All the servants watched the two men with pride, as they mounted their horses, but just then, the German came out. No one paid much attention to him really, since he was German and was the one to blame for the war, and therefore he was not a brother to the Englishman and the Frenchman and neither was he a son to the “father”. His name was Hans, but everyone preferred to call him Tölpel-Hans.

„Wo geht ihr hin in eure Sonntagskleider?“ he asked.

„We are going to the King’s court to woo to the princess. Haven’t you heard?” the Englishman snorted.

“Tout le monde parle de la princess!” the Frenchman continued. They told him about it, and Tölpel-Hans smiled.

“Spitze!“ he said, “Dann will ich auch gehen!“ The two men laughed aloud.

“As if!” the Englishman laughed, as he rode away.

“La princesse, elle ne mariera jamias avec tu!” the other shouted and followed his brother. Tölpel-Hans shook his head.

“Vater!” shouted Tölpel-Hans, “gib mir ein Pferd. Ich möchte auch gern befreien. Wenn sie ja sagt, dann sagt sie ja. Und wenn sie nein sagt; dann werde ich sowieso heiraten.”

“Rubbish!” replied the father, “I will give you no horse! Why, you don’t know anything and you can’t speak! What makes you think, that the princess wants a filthy German like you?”

“Wenn ich kein Pferd haben kann, dann will ich meine Ziege nehme,”said Tölpel-Hans, “sie ist meine, und sie kann vermutlich mich ertragen.” He then sat up on the goat, kicked it in its sides, so it galloped off down the country road.

“Hallo, hallo! Hier ich komme!” shouted Tölpel-Hans so loud that his voice could be heard from far, far away.


The Englishman and the Frenchman rode quietly ahead of Hans. They didn’t say anything to each other, because they were thinking about what to say to the princess. They were both planning to give her a big speech, and, of course, they had to memorize that beforehand.

“Hallo! Hier ich komme! Sehe was ich gefunden habe!” shouted Tölpel-Hans as he showed them a dirty, German Wurst, which he had found on the road.

“Hans! Qu'est-ce que tu vas faire avec la?” the Frenchman asked.

“Ich möchte die zu der Prinzessin gebe!“

“Well, I say good luck then!” the Englishman said and so they both rode on laughing.

Tölpel-Hans did not care about the two, so he stuck the Wurst in his pocket, before the goat galloped further.

“Hallo! Ich bin zurück-kommen! Sehe was ich dieses Mal gefunden habe! Du findest nicht so etwas jeden Tag!“ The two brothers turned around to see, what the German had brought this time.

“Mais Hans! C’est une vieille poêle!” cried the Frenchman.

“So what now?” the Englishman giggled, “Is the Princess going to have that too?”

“Selbstverständlich!” Tölpel-Hans replied and once again, the two brothers rode on laughing.

Now, they were far in advance of him, and so they thought, that Tölpel-Hans would not disturb them anymore. But soon they heard his voice clinging from behind them.

“Hallo! Ich bin zurück-kommen! Und ihr wollt nicht glauben, was ich gefunden habe!“

“What is it now?” The Englishman sighed.

“Ich kann dich nicht sagen!” Hans said, “Die Prinzessin wirst sehr froh werden.”

“Mais qu'est-ce que c'est? C’est bien une bidon de soldat!“

“Nein, das ist mehr! Das ist eine Feldflasche mit Bier! Deutsches Bier!“ he said, and he put it under his clothes.


But the two brothers galloped as fast as they could, because now they had enough of that weird German and all his special “gifts” for the Princess. They rode so fast, that when they came to the town gate, they were a full hour ahead of Hans. At the gate each wooer were given a number and then they were arranged in a row, six to a row, and they were packed so tightly, that they couldn’t move their arms! Now, that was probably a smart idea, since most of the wooers would have killed the person who stood in front of one another just to get to the Princess first. All inhabitants were gathered around the castle, peeking into the windows to get a glint of the Princess receiving her wooers. However, as each of them came into the room, he became speechless.

“No good!” said the Princess, “Take him away!”

Now came the Englishman who could memorize whole books and speak languages from all around the world. As he stepped forward, the wooden floor began to creak. The ceiling was made of mirrors, and by each window stood three clerks and an alderman and wrote down each word, that was spoken, so that it could be printed in the morning newspaper.  Also, there was such a burning heat, that it made him all dizzy.

“It’s awfully hot in here,” the Englishman said, as he wiped the sweat of his forehead.

“That’s because my father is roasting chickens today,” said the Princess.  

“Bah!” There he stood. Although, he had practised his speech to the Princess repeatedly, he couldn’t memorize anything and he, who had been so worldly-wise was now no smarter than an idiot.

“No good!” the Princess said, “Take him away!” Thus, he had to leave.

Now the Frenchman, he who could speak of governmental affairs like no others, approached.

“Il fait terriblement chaud!” the Frenchman said.  

“Yes, my father is roasting chickens today,” the Princess responded.

“Mais-que-mais-que-mais-mais ... Que?” the Frenchman stammered, and all the clerks wrote it down; “Mais-que-mais-que-mais-mais ... Que?”

“No good!” said the Princess once again, “Out with him!”

Now it was Tölpel-Hans’s turn, and he rode his goat into the hall and right up to the Princess.

“Es ist sehr heiß hier,” he said.

“I’m roasting young chickens today,” the Princess replied.

“Das ist gut!” Tölpel-Hans said, “Kann ich dann meine Wurst grillen?“

“Of course, my friend, that you can,” she said, “but do you have anything to roast it in? I haven’t anymore pots or pans, unfortunately.”

“Ja!” Hans replied, “Ich habe eine Bratphanne hier!” He then pulled out the old, rusty pan, which he had found on the road. He put the Wurst in it.

“Why, that’s enough for a whole meal!” she said happily, “but where from do we get the sauce?”

“Ich habe es hier!” replied Tölpel-Hans and showed the Princess the canteen with the beer, before he poured some of it out in the pan on top of the Wurst.

“I like that!” the Princess smiled, “You know just what to say and you know how to speak. Your German gifts fascinates me! I will take you for my husband, my dear German. But do you know, that our conversation has been written down and is going to be published in the newspaper tomorrow! Look over there; there you’ll see three clerks in each window and an alderman. I hate that alderman - he doesn’t understand anything!”

She said this to frighten him, and all the clerks whispered and chuckled with delight, as they spilled blots of ink on the floor. But Tölpel-Hans was not afraid. He knew just what to do.

“So die sind die Herren?” Tölpel-Hans said, “Na gut! Dann muss ich ihnen die Besten geben!“ Then he opened the canteen and splashed the rest of the beer in their faces.

“Smartly done!” the Princess said, “I wouldn’t have dared that, but I’m sure I’ll learn it!”

So therefore, the German Tölpel-Hans was made the king of England and he got an English crown and wife and sat upon an English throne.

And just because their nationalities hated each other, didn’t mean that they did. But, of course, this story came straight from the morning newspaper, so it’s not sure that it is to be fully trusted.


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