When I walked in to the dance hall, all the other girls looked at me, like I was someone from out of space. Lauren stood in the corner of the room, just looking in the mirror. This Is a hard face, I should know, I’ve tried it. It's like you start realizing, how much you don’t matter, to anyone. No matter how hard you work“Bethany, in front, now.” He waved me over. And I found me position, but Rejovski kept doing small kicks to my foot, until I was standing the way he wanted. “Start” he then said. I looked confused at him, why without music?. “Start” He said again. This was some kind of a test, to see how far he could get me. It’s wired, he´s been my teacher for years, but he still does this, the game. I closed my eyes, and raised my leg over my head. The first move. The start is always tuff. Then did all the moves flawless, I know that, because the other girls and Rejovki, by the look on their face told me. But still when I stopped, all he did was, nod eat me. There it was again, the power game, to show that he´s the one with control, and power. To dominate. The rest of class continued like that, but I just could get my mind of him, that guy. I needed to see him again, just to say sorry for being ruder than rude.
So I did, around same time as last night, at same bench. And there he was. That guy. I just stood there, in the shadow, just looking at him. “Hi there.” I slowly said, while walking closer to him. “I didn’t thought, you´d take me seriously,” he then replied, with the cutest Irish accent. “Sorry, as I said, I don’t really have a life, you know.” After a while, he said, “So what do you do?” Hard question really… “I don’t know,” I finally answered, “I love the fall,” he then totally out of the context said. He looked at me, and I looked at him. He stroked my hair away from my face, and caressed my cheek. I dint even know the guy, and there I was, letting him touch me.
We didn’t talk, just enjoyed the silence, and each other’s company. The silence was our language.
One of the few words he spoke, was that he had 23 days of in London. And he somehow gave me sign to show up here, every night until then.
I was late, late to dance class, but it somehow didn’t matter. That guy, he mattered. The other girls was talking about love, when I came in to the hall, that’s wired because, normally you are not allowed to talk in the hall, but Rejovski was on the phone. “It is scientifically proven that it takes 24 days, to fall in love.” What a joke, love is something you have, or don’t have. I don’t have it. I’m simply just not capable of loving another human being. What a shame though.
I where practicing being the swan in, the “Swan Lake.” My dance. Every day, now from 6 am to 12 pm, without eating, with my feet bleeding, and my skin even more pail than usually. And I got exactly no praise from Rejovski, same pissed of look on his face very time. But to me it didn’t matter how hard I worked, because I had my special guy. Every night, after dance class, he asked me, “What do you do?”, and I would answer, “I don’t know”, then we were sitting, not small talking. Talking about all the important things in life. And if we didn’t talk, we just enjoyed the sound of silence, and each other’s company. Let the silence be our language. Because it felt like we´ve known each other always.
We did this every night 22 days in a row. But today was special, to night I was a beautiful swan, and not the ugly ducky. Tonight I would be pretty. I came early, to practice, and I was all alone in the hall. My ankle had seen better days, but nothing would get in my way, not today. The show was on 10 pm, and I couldn’t wait to meet up with my special guy, after the show, to celebrate that it finally would be over.
This was no doubt the hardest practice, and it was going to be so great getting this over with. 9 pm, Rejovski send Lauren in, to tell me to get ready. My dress was ready, Rejovski was ready, everybody was ready, but it felt like I wasn’t. I´ve done this at least a 100 times, but I felt so defriend this time. “Bethany, its now,” Rejovski yelled. I hurried past him, took on my mask, and walked on stage. Thousands of eyes looking at me. I turned my brain of, tried not to think about, that guy. But this time, I didn’t see myself from above, I saw though my own eyes, and what I saw wasn’t pretty at all. Girls, all the girls on stage, pretending to be something there not, trying to proof something. They don’t have a personality, and they will never have. They will end up like me, not fat, way too skinny, unstable, like the ugly ducky, and forever a broken person. I just wanted to get it over with, so I pulled myself together and made it.
When first period of the show was over, I almost ran off stage. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ran into the locker room, and locked the door. Crying I broke down on the floor. Tore my dress of, and walked in front of the mirror, in only my underwear. The thigh gab was to big now, my hipbone were showing, and it looked like my ribs was on it’s way out of my body. What a broken person looks like. I took my brush at throw it in the mirror. Thousands glass fragments was now laying on the floor, I stepped on them, to feel something. And I couldn’t stop screaming. Now I was sitting a pool of blood, with glass fragments all over me, and the floor. After a while, I got up, putted my second outfit on, the one you always keep in you locker. Rejovski came in, “What on earth are you doing?” I just walked past him, didn’t explained, just walked.
When I came outside, I immediately started running. For no reason. I just needed something. And when I came to my usually bench, it was clear to me, I didn’t need something, someone. I sat there a long time, the fall night was unusually dark, almost to dart to see the cherry tree.
But when my special guy, came across me, there was no doubt, I have it. We were standing in front of each other, and those blue eyes of his, lighted up my night, my world. “What do you do?” he asked, with a huge smile on his face. And I buried my face in his neck, and said, “I love the fall.”
And there we once again sat, we didn’t talk, just enjoyed the silence, and each other’s company. The silence was our language.