mindreader

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  • Publiceret: 15 nov. 2014
  • Opdateret: 15 mar. 2016
  • Status: Igang
Se på mennesket. Du ser en han eller hun, køn eller grim. Denne person taler indeni hovedet, men du kan ikke høre det. Tanker. Følelser. Alle har dem, selvom vi ikke kan se dem. Det er jeg ret træt af for at være helt ærlig, for hvem vil ikke være tankelæser? Men nu giver jeg dig muligheden for at være tankelæser. Denne movella samler sig om mine tanker for dig til at læse. Så værsgo, læs mine tanker.

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8. social anxiety

 

it's basically just being anxious of what people think

I think it's dumb

why worry?

why not live your live being happy, not fearing that others might think bad of you?

I don't know either

but it's not something I can't just suddenly change

 

this website has helped me in so many ways

expressing, not impressing

but in real life

when he is there, and me fearing his judge

I am scared that the person, who I somewhat think about everyday, might not like me

IT'S SO STUPID, IT REALLY IS

but the words, you spoke to everyone including me, made me believe

 

I'm basically just writing a diary here

It's not meant to be a song, poem or whatever

I'm just a girl

putting her thougts into words

just to get them out of her head, because it feels like exploding

she worries way too much

even though it doesn't show

 

I like to think that I'm careless

emotionless

but I care

and I have way many emotions everyday

I just care about the wrong things, and have emotions for the people I hate

I know I have and am doing things wrong

but even knowing, I'm trying to be flawless

 

yesterday I crawled out my window

I got really excited about it, because it was something I have tried to do in a long time

because I wanna get away from here

even when it's just a couple of seconds

because I'm scared that I can't get back in

 

tomorrow, or well, today, as I write looking at my watch saying 16 minutes into Sunday

I'm going to play a soccer game

both of our goalkeepers couldnt go, so maybe we have to play with a noob as the goalkeeper

I'm not really scared, but I would've been one year ago

I think that back then, I couldnt feel the social anxiety as much as I can today, but I had it way more back then than now

right now I could go play a game and protect the goal as much as possible

back then I was frightened

 

so maybe I am better

but it's still horrible

that caring about peoples thougts that much, I even imagine people walking down on the road looking into my window

while I change my clothes

and I imagine what their thougts would be

'ugh, her bum could use a massive work-out'

'damn, I would kiss her if she gave me the chance'

 

bad or good thougts

both still freaks me out

because I am working my bum out

and I don't know how to kiss

and most importantly, I am trying to control their thougts

trying to be flawless in every way possible

trying to control their idea of myself in their head

 

writing this brings back so many memories

I know where the anxiety came from

I have kissed a boyfriend from the past

I have been hurt, but not felt hurt

I have been cheated on, but not being sad about it

I mean, I tried to cry to my back then internet best friend, who btw wasnt even a really good friend, and we dont have any contact whatsoever any more

but now it is the most stupid things I cry over

it's ridiculous

 

the anxiety came from one of my now best friends mother

I send a message to her when I was like 7 or so, saying

'I don't wanna play with you in the playground anymore, because me and 'R' are playing right now'

basically I didnt mean any harm, I just send it as a warning that I was playing with 'R' the next day

but my friend took it as a 'forever' and she cried and told her mom

the next day the mom was in school with her

in the morning, the mom was shaming me completely and I couldn't stop crying, and I don't know why, but even me keeping on crying didn't stop the mom from her speach about me making her oh so cute daughter sad

me and my friend weren't talking after that, but in the last year, we've grown to be really good friends again

 

I think I got anxious because she told me over and over again that I was a bad person

that what I did was extremely wrong

that I shouldn't send messages like that

and as all kids do, like when their parents tell them 'this is a cup', and then pointing on a cup

I believed her

 

 

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