I guess it all started that day the lady told me to relax. to give others space. to be quiet for a while, instead of talking like a radio.
I did relax, I did give all the others space, I did keep quiet for a long time and I have hated radio since.
and I can't even remember who the lady was.
and I kept quiet.
for a long time.
so I started in school. I hated it. not because I didn't have friends or was bad at anything. I had a lot of friends and I was good at almost everything. even though it sounds selfish.
I just didn't know I was good. I thought I sucked. and that was hard. I tried and tried.
and then I found I was good. but I still hated school, because I felt like I couldn't be me without people juding. I've always been afraid of that. I didn't want people to be like the lady.
I didn't want to seem imperfect.
then my friends leaved me. I felt alone. betrayed.
and it was then it started for real.
I was afraid of being different. I was afraid of seeming weak. and I was afraid of letting people down, because I knew how terrible it felt.
then a day I forgot my homework at home. i was so close to cry. my teacher told me it was okay. and then i just stopped making my homework because i knew i was good and they wouldn't be mad.
nobody got mad. i don't know why, but nobody did. I didn't learn anything and I really hate myself for that. it was so stupid. then I started doing my homework again, because I got a new teacher and I was kinda afraid of him.
my homework was easy so I didn't put alot of work in it. I just wrote a few lines. but nobody got mad. they knew I could do it better.
but then someday my teacher told me to do it better. I'm pretty sure it was that one thing I should do better, but I started doing everything better. and sometimes I couldn't do it better. then I got upset and my selfesteem got lower and lower.
and then I started being shy forreal. I didn't really talk to anybody. I just used all my time on seeming perfect and doing everything perfect. at least it kinda worked.
but I couldn't handle the pressure and my mom found out. she told me to take it easy and stop worrying about everything and she told my teachers that I needed space.
they told me that I'm a very special kid. that I am very smart for my age and that I sometimes need to take a break from everything.I still try to figure out why. I don't feel that smart.
and i'm still so shy, that I don't think anyone knows who I really am. but at least I found out that it's better to be me than to seem perfect.