My dancing mind

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  • Publiceret: 13 nov. 2014
  • Opdateret: 29 apr. 2016
  • Status: Igang
Jeg er en person. Det er vi allesammen. Jeg er bare én af de der personer, der ikke kan lade være med at udtrykke sine tanker på papir. Ellers sætter de sig bare fast, og så springer mit hoved en dag. Læs dem hvis du vil, men jeg lover ikke, at de alle er lige nemme at forstå.

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10. being shy

I guess it all started that day the lady told me to relax. to give others space. to be quiet for a while, instead of talking like a radio. 

I did relax, I did give all the others space, I did keep quiet for a long time and I have hated radio since. 

and I can't even remember who the lady was.

and I kept quiet.

for a long time.

so I started in school. I hated it. not because I didn't have friends or was bad at anything. I had a lot of friends and I was good at almost everything. even though it sounds selfish. 

I just didn't know I was good. I thought I sucked. and that was hard. I tried and tried. 

and then I found I was good. but I still hated school, because I felt like I couldn't be me without people juding. I've always been afraid of that. I didn't want people to be like the lady. 

I didn't want to seem imperfect.

then my friends leaved me. I felt alone. betrayed. 

and it was then it started for real. 

I was afraid of being different. I was afraid of seeming weak. and I was afraid of letting people down, because I knew how terrible it felt. 

then a day I forgot my homework at home. i was so close to cry. my teacher told me it was okay. and then i just stopped making my homework because i knew i was good and they wouldn't be mad. 

nobody got mad. i don't know why, but nobody did. I didn't learn anything and I really hate myself for that. it was so stupid. then I started doing my homework again, because I got a new teacher and I was kinda afraid of him. 

my homework was easy so I didn't put alot of work in it. I just wrote a few lines. but nobody got mad. they knew I could do it better.

but then someday my teacher told me to do it better. I'm pretty sure it was that one thing I should do better, but I started doing everything better. and sometimes I couldn't do it better. then I got upset and my selfesteem got lower and lower.

and then I started being shy forreal. I didn't really talk to anybody. I just used all my time on seeming perfect and doing everything perfect. at least it kinda worked.

but I couldn't handle the pressure and my mom found out. she told me to take it easy and stop worrying about everything and she told my teachers that I needed space.

they told me that I'm a very special kid. that I am very smart for my age and that I sometimes need to take a break from everything.I still try to figure out why. I don't feel that smart.

and i'm still so shy, that I don't think anyone knows who I really am. but at least I found out that it's better to be me than to seem perfect. 

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