Something on the mind

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  • Publiceret: 12 maj 2014
  • Opdateret: 12 maj 2014
  • Status: Færdig
In this one-shot you read about the last minutes of a boys thinking and the Things he has done. It's a story I have taking out from a time I was in a bad periode and kept thingking on doing what the boy has done in this one-shot. Enjoy!

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1. Something on the mind

I just sit here quietly. Sitting on my bed, looking at the wall. Why is it the wall I’m looking at? Earnestly, I have no idea. There are so many other things I could look at, but I just find the wall fitting to my situation right now. Is it weird? I don’t think so. Many other peoples are doing the same thing when they feel down, am I right? I think so!

“How can it be I’m having a dialogue in my head with myself? Tsk, I must have lost my mind.” I say out in the blue. Without thinking I turn my head and look into my mirror, it all just comes naturally. Every time I feel down or having a lot of things going around in my head, I look into the mirror wondering what everyone wants from me. I’m curious; everyone expects something from me, but what I don’t know. Nobody tells me. Normally I would have talked with my big sister, but she moved out of the house. She’s 21 years old, goes to college and has a boyfriend. I understand why she left me behind instead of taking me with her. I mean who wants a little brother with the disease schizophrenia? I’m taking medicine so I can control it. But it’s not always it works. My mom and dad don’t know, only my sister and she promised to keep it a secret. I trust her most out of all people. I can’t trust my parents; they look over my disease and think I’m going to make it into the world with good grades and many friends like a normal teenage boy.
I couldn’t take their high expectations anymore, so I stopped taking the medicine for a while and my grades dropped with the same. And since then, they now fights and arguing everyday about who there is going to have me living when they get a divorce. To be earnest I don’t want to live with any of them, I just want to move up to my sister in South Carolina.

A loud, piercing sound is coming from down stairs, it sounded like a vase getting smashed into the wall or down on the ground. One thing is for sure, they fight again. It’s the 12th time today and it’s only 5 pm. I get up from the bed, and walk across my room, heading to my door so I can lock it. And then I quietly slide down with my back turned against the door. I know my mom soon will come up and try to get into my room, trying to convince me about that they aren’t fighting over me, but that they just don’t love each other anymore. Like I am going to fall for that shit.
I was right. 5 minutes after the sound of the vase getting broking, there are light and quick footsteps coming up the stair treads. The sound is coming towards my bedroom as usual.
“John? Baby, may I come in?” I can hear my mom on the other side of the door, asking me to lock up, while she slowly and gently knocks on the door. She knows the fact that I know the truth about them, she just doesn’t want to see it in my eyes, how broking and disappointed I am over them. Whenever she sees me before I’m heading to school, she looks anywhere else then right into my eyes.

I miss my old mom so badly. The mom I normally would come crawling to whenever I felt down on the world, whenever I was scared of the voices coming out from different things.
“Honey open the door please,” she really doesn’t know how to give up, “come on, talk to me, I’m here, I will listen like I used to for a year ago.” I slightly lift my head up after having it resting on my knees.

“Will you really listen to what I have to say, just like you used to back in time?” I can feel the hope inside me growing.

I shake my head, I cannot open, she has used that speech on me before, and she never listened.
I look down, and beside me is the knife I took from the kitchen earlier today, it’s still laying there and ready to finish, what I started thinking on from the start of this month.

The letters are ready, they lay on my bed, quiet and beautifully, white as snow, but with a long story inside of them like no one would ever have imagined. Ready to tell my parents and my sister my side of the story, and with one last wish required to them. Making them all understand my feelings through the whole year and longer back in the time.
 

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