I feel so heartbroken, that’s the only way I can describe my feelings. It’s like being in this happy relationship with life, and everything is great. Beyond your imagination actually, everything as so bright and colorful.
Never did you think, that you would sit in your room crying, and slicing you skin open with an overly used blade.
Never did you think that you would stop eating, to make you feel some kind of satisfaction, and then freaking out when you’ve gained a few grams.
Everything took a turn for the worse; you broke up with happiness and left you with depression itself. Everyone you thought would last forever, left you one by one. Because of one girl… because of one boy or maybe because of both of them? You don’t know yet, because thinking it through hurts much more than life itself.
You cant end all the pain, because truth to be said; You don’t want to die, you just don’t want to live either. You want to exist, you want people to notice and to care, yet when they do, you don’t seem to notice. You only notice them, when they are gone. Again. They always leave.
You would think that since you’ve lost lots of people, then it would get easier when the next one goes. But it never get easier, you just get better at holding your tears back.
You will find yourself bottled up, and unable to open up again. They misused your trust, why wouldn’t the next person? You lose faith In the world… Happiness… Love… People.
You want to scream but you cant. You’re scared someone will hear you, and what will you tell them? Nothing. You cant tell them anything, because you cant explain it. When you cant explain it, there’s no way that they will ever be able to understand it.
All of these voices screaming in your head, taking over every part of your body. How can you explain that to someone, who doesn’t believe it? You cant, so you wont. You just keep your mouth shut, and waits patiently for the date to arrive.
Killing the voices is what you want to do, but that requires sacrifices. You’re willing to do it, because who will miss you? No one, they already left.
På engelsk blev det så i dag, det var den eneste måde jeg kunne udtrykke mig selv på. Jeg kommer nok fremover til at skrive på engelsk, men jeg kan godt oversætte det til dansk, hvis i har svært ved at forstå det. Jeg har det rigtig dårligt for tiden, hvilket er grunden til min øget aktivitet på movellas. Det er den første opdatering i 2015 i denne dagbog, wow.