I stood there, numb and dead feeling. I couldn't cry, I couldn't move.
As the priest read the last word from the bible, everyone was moved outside.
I watched as two young men dug a whole near his grave stone, the coffin wasn't placed in it yet.
I started having flashbacks of me and him together.
"Louis, are you okay?" I asked, concerned.
"Im fine, babe." He replied, a fake smile plastered on his face.
"No your not, Louis, you look exhausted, i'll leave you to get some sleep. Yeah?" I suggested.
"Okay.." Ouch. I was expecting a 'No, don't go!'
"Love you.." I whispered.
"Love you more." He replied and ended the call, leaving me staring at pictures of my once fit boyfriend.
My thoughts disappeared as Niall put a comforting hand on my arm, I winced and pulled away.
It didn't feel right, it didn't feel like Lou.
"Im sorry " He trails off.
"Its fine." I said, no emotion what-so-ever.
"Okay...." he said, awkwardly.
All the other looked at me strangely.
"what?" I snapped.
"N-nothing." Liam replied.
"Good." I said bluntly.
I looked around me, a lot of people were there, no fans, no paps. Just family, friends.
More bad memories ran into my head, here I go again.
I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. A small smile was on his face, something was up.
"Babe, I missed you so so so so so much!" I cried.
"I missed you too." He mumbled into my neck.
"Are you okay? You look really ill." I asked.
"Im fine!" He snaps. He looked at my facial expression and his face softened.
"Sorry.." He mumbled again, putting me down and taking my hand. I sighed as we strolled through the airport to the black van. Everyone silent on the journey home.
I watched as the coffin was lowered in, I saw Jay break down crying and sobbing.
She started shouting and screaming.
Everyone looked at her, Daisy Phoebe Lottie and fizzy comforting her.
I looked at my feet and fumbled around with the piece of paper he left me.
He left you, after he promised he'd stay with you forever. He left you with a piece of paper? He was always selfish.
I winced at my silly thoughts. Niall noticed this and smiled at me. I didn't smile back, I just looked away, I didn't realise that it had started raining until my shoes turned a horrible brown from the mud i was kicking.
And then more memories came flooding back. An old memory before he became anorexic and passed.
He breathed rapidly as he layed his naked body next to mine. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
"That was amazing, beautiful." He breathed.
"Yeah... It was." I said, also outta breath.
I pulled the covers over me and snuggled into Louis.
I soon fell asleep to the sound of his heart beating.
"Come on Faith" Niall said, I was day dreaming about mine and Louis first time.
I looked around at everyone leaving, Jay, Daisy Phoebe Fizzy and Lottie staying around Louis grave.
I didn't say anything, I just followed him to the car and got in. I didn't feel anything, I felt empty.
I rested my head against the window, wishing that it was Louis shoulder.
All the boys stared at me, making me feel uncomfortable. I just continued looking out the window, driving away from the cemetery.
"Do you want to stay at mine?" Niall asked.
I shoked my head.
"Are you sure?"
"You will call me if somethings up, okay?" He said.
I nodded again.
"Okay.. Harry, drive her to Louis." he said to Harry, he nodded.
When we reached mine and Louis house, I unbuckle my seat belt, said good-bye and got out. I walked into the empty, huge house and collapsed onto our sofa.
Louis was getting thinner and thinner by the minute, and I was having to buy him smaller sized clothes, it was worrying.
"Louis, please eat." I beg.
"Okay.." he says, and takes a small bite from his sandwich.
"Seriously, whats up?"! I yelled.
"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! THIS IS TOO FUCKING MUCH! I'M GETTING JUDGED BY PEOPLE! I CANT KISS YOU WITHOUT IT'S IN THE NEWSPAPER NEXT DAY! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANY FUCKING MORE! I CANT DO THIS!" He shouted.
I stayed silent, not knowing what to say.
"Sorry, im gonna go upstairs" he whispered.
I nodded, and sat there awkwardly.
He walked upstairs and I sat there and cry.
I trailed upstairs and sat on our bed, smelling his old cologne and smiled.
He used to wear it on our dates. Before he passed away.
I walked into the walk-in-closet and sat in the middle of the floor, i remembered our first make out session in here...
He pushed me into the closet and locked the door, I bit my lip and he smashed his lips against mine.
We continued this for about 5 mins then we were on the floor, he was lying over me, kissing my neck and sucking on my sweet spot.
I remembered seeing the scars on his wrists whenever he hugged me, and that was why I used to cry at night.
I honestly didn't know what to do at that point. I stopped asking him whats up and we soon grew distant.
Another memory came back, when I found out I was pregnant.
"Shit!" I cussed.
"Whats wrong?" Louis asked, concerned.
"I'm pregnant, its saying positive!" I yelled.
"Its okay, our child will be fine, don't worry babe." He said calm .
"But i'm not ready!" I cried.
"Me either, but we will raise this child brilliantly, with help from out families, I love you, Faith" He whispered.
"I love you too, Lou Boo" I said, calmed.
I sighed, and went back downstairs and into the kitchen, I saw figures of Louis and I slow dancing in the kitchen.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I remember that we will never be able to do that again.
"Louis, I missed you so much" I hear the 'past' me say.
"I've missed you too, love." He says back.
I dropped to my knees and cried, not hearing the knock at the door.
"Hallo are you in there dear?" I heard Lou's voice say.
I sniffled and got up, I wiped my eyes and answered the door.
"Thanks Lou, thanks for looking after him." I say and send her a sad smile.
"No problem honey." She smiles back.
I picked up my baby boy and payed her money that I don't even owe her.
"No, Faith, I cant take this." She says.
"Take it Lou! You've been looking after him and Lux for almost 2 weeks!" I said.
"Okay.." she says and takes it.
"Thanks, bye." I say.
"Mummy, wheres daddy?" Aiden asks.
"He's uhh, gone, Aiden." I replied, with my shaky voice.
A horrible vision comes back to my mind, and this time, I know whats going to happen.
Louis excused himself to go to the bathroom, then about 10 mins later, I heard a loud thump, then silence.
I walked up the stairs, and knocked on the bathroom door.
"LOUIS?" I screamed.
I knocked down the door and screamed at what I saw.
Louis still body, limp on the bathroom floor, blood all over the place. And then cuts all over his body. His haunting eyes open, staring up at the ceiling.
At that moment, I lost it. I braked down sobbing and stayed there, right by his side, my clothes already covered in blood, but I didn't care, I had lost the one I loved, and I was the one that let him slip away.
"Faith!!" I hear.
I woke up and looked around, Zayn was shaking me awake, Aiden talking with Niall.
Zayn embraced me in a bear hug, and I sobbed into his shoulder.
"Shhh, its okay.. Its over now." He whispered.
I thought they all hated me? I thought wrong, obviously.
"I-I, his body, the blood." I whispered.
"I know I know, Faith, calm down."
"How did you get here!?" I asked him.
"Aiden called Niall, and said you collapsed, crying."
"O-oh." I say.
-2 days later-
I stood over Louis' grave, silent tears falling. As I kept reading the note he left me before he died, he obviously knew he was gonna go sometime.
I pulled out the piece of paper from Louis and wrote on the other side of it:
Hi Aiden, mummy would have gone by now, I love you so so much. You be a good little boy for uncle Niall okay? I'm sorry that it had to come to this. I cant stand the pain anymore. I miss him, so i'm going to be with him, you live a good life, find the girl you love, marry her, have kids of your own. Be nice to people, don't do anything naughty. Uncle Niall, Liam, Harry and Zayn will look after you now, and maybe even Nanny will look after you, Nanny Jay.
You be a good boy, I love you so so much.
I pulled the pistol from my pocket and held it to my temple, where he used to kiss it.
He was gone. And with one pull of the trigger. So will I.
"I'm coming Lou"