Moments | One Direction

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  • Publiceret: 19 sep. 2013
  • Opdateret: 24 sep. 2013
  • Status: Igang
The death. Death hurts. Death gives you memories. Death is horrible. And worst of all, death brings death.

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2. Death |

"The death. The worst thing about a person being dead isn't that there are in the ground. But it's the thoughts there is going through your head, while they are lying there. And you know that it’s too late to do what you’ve wanted to do, with your beloved."

 

Her eyes were slightly closed, it did almost just seem like she was sleeping very peacefully, and with a good dream on her mind. And you sort of could say that too. That she was sleeping, but she’ll just never wake up again.

The blue eyes, that she wore so wonderful will forever be closed. The blonde locks with a slightly curl in it, will forever be hidden away. Nothing will ever be the same. Her smile, with the perfect white teeth will never be shown again. Her eyelashes there perfectly surrounded her eyes will never blink in that gorgeous way it did when she wanted something so much, but she knew that she didn’t need it.

Like when we should buy our first pet together. It was actually so silly bought of us because it was very spontaneous, and none of us was really ready for any pet. But she blinked with her eyes, and the eyelashes made it look so innocent, so perfect. That’s why I’d say yes. We bought a fish because it was the pet with the smallest care.

She named it Lease, because it rimed on Peace. But she never told that it rimed. And by myself  I’ve never got the idea, and I’d never truly understood why it just couldn’t get a normal name. But I understand it all now. She knew she was sick. She knew she would die.

Her way of showing me it, was to leave small clues, and words ever day. But I’d never thought of it on that way. It was just something she said, and it sounded a little crazy, but I knew my girlfriend. She was a little crazy. So Lease was probably just something she just came up with and she liked the idea of a fish called that, and then it all happened.

I still wonder if that was why she had it all so busy to plan a trip to France, to get the last experience in the city of love, Paris. Because, if it was, then I don’t know what to say so. I choose to ruin it, by saying I only had time for a weekend over there, and we could always take down there later on the year. She kept saying we couldn’t, and I get it know. Already there she knew she didn’t have much time left, so she wanted the best out of it. And I ruined it all.

At least she got her trip. One weekend, together with me, and a lovely hotel room with all we ever needed. She said that this time I shouldn’t think of anything, she would make everything ready and she did; even the last night we were there had she planned it all, so well and down to every little detail.

 

I took one step back and looked over at her. I was overwhelmed, that was all I could say. The way she got her hair up in a tiny little bun but still there was some of her bangs there were fallen out, and somehow it completed her whole face. The blue eyeshadow made her eyes shine in the beautiful twilight, and the red lipstick completed it all.

She wore a dress; a very long blue dress, all the way down to her feet. And some of it touched the ground even with the high heels she wore. I was speechless; I didn’t knew what to say. She was so stunning, breathtaking and she made me look like one of those geeky nerds there didn’t know how to dress themselfs.

“Wow, you look... Absolutely perfect,” I confirmed to her. Her answer was just a laugh, her own laugh; the laugh there was a middle thing between gurgling and singing. You couldn’t completely say what it sounded the most like, only that it sounded so perfect to her.

“And you look very handsome tonight, Mr. Payne,” she told me as she walked straight over to me, and took my arm in her grab and whispered to my ear that we needed to go, we had a deal there was planned with the time, and a cap was waiting for us.

Her voice gave me goose bumps all down my back, and sort of captured me in one position. The only reason why I kept walking was for her, because I wanted to be with her, all night. She was the most perfect girl I could ever dream of.

We got down with the elevator and out on the street. I could feel some eyes laying on us, some of them were starring pretty much. I kind of thought they knew who I was and they would scream, or tweet or something like that. Maybe take a picture, because I actually looked a little nice today, I had a suit on and to that a butterfly. It all seemed right together with Sophia.

All out of sudden we stopped, Sophia had stopped. I didn’t know why. Actually I was a confused man, I guess. I just followed everyone else, because that was what I been getting used to. We can’t think for us self, like before. Now we have to follow these rules and other people’s advice and so on. 

Out of my sight I couldn’t think any cap, or taxi. The only thing that I could see was a limo, a white one, and I remembered how Sophia always wanted to drive in one, just me and her and a bottle of champagne. Slowly while we walked towards the limo it all started to make sense. She had ordered the limo and she didn’t want to tell me because she knew that I would say something about that we shouldn’t get to much attention.

But in this moment, it didn’t matter.

“Is that... for us?” I still asked even though I knew the answer already. She nodded. Her bun started to shake a little, but it kept in position and it didn’t even seem like she was noticing it.

A man probably the driver came out of the car and opened the car door so we could jump inside. Everything screamed of money inside; the seats where covered by white leather and the limo even had a fridge to the champagne.

“I love you babe,” I told her just as the door slammed and she sat down next to me. She leaned over against me, and toke my face between her hands. “I love you too,” she said as she allowed her lips to touch mine, with so many feelings of love that I can’t describe.

 

I could feel a tear down my chin just falling. I didn’t do anything about it - I just let it fall down. Down on my pants and make the fabric get a little darker where the tear did mark it se. It was almost the same as my mind. I was getting darker inside, just where Sophia had marked herself. Right there, in my heart.

My feelings were strong for her, I couldn’t live without her. All there ever have been inside me, started to panic when they sore her lay there ... On the madras. With closed eyes and a non-beating heart.

The words; ‘life isn’t fair’ I now truly understand. When a thing seems to be perfect, something is going to ruin it.  It’s for sure; and I know that because I just relived it by myself.

I thought everything had turned out to be as it should, when I began to be famous. I thought that all the horrible years of mine, now were over. But I guess I was wrong. Sophia made me believe that it all was good, and now when she is gone I don’t know what to believe anymore. I still fantasy over her whispering words, and one memory is clearer than the others.

The memory from Paris;

“I still can’t believe you actually booked some private hours in the Eiffel tower just to us two,” I whispered in her ear, at the hotel room we now where back at, after one and a half hour were we did eat and look out on the view from the Eiffel tower. And all the time we’ve been up there we got it all.

“It must have costed so much babygirl,” I told her again, and this time she just lifted her shoulders. “I don’t care. I did it because I love you,” she said and leaned forward to kiss me.

Our lips touched in a lovely way, and started to move in each other movement. All our feelings were in this kiss, and you could feel just by walking into the room. I didn’t know why she was all this emotional today; but I could get used to it.

“Sing for me,” she said, and leaned back from me again. Her voice was breathtaking, and the only thing I could do was nodding. She always loved it when I sang for her, so why not do it one more time?

I started on singing Little Things, and when the song was done she asked for another. While I sang she allowed her head to get down in my lap, and my fingers started to play with her hair immediately.

“You know what?” She asked and toke my hand in hers. She took it in front of her face, so she could look at it while she continued, “I’ve never loved anyone as I love you,”

The words she just told me made my speechless. I didn’t know what to say, so instead of words I just leaned over her, and made my lips meet hers one more time. “I love you too… so much” I said and kissed her again.

“Then do it with me,” I knew what she meant with ‘it’, she wanted to have sex. I wouldn’t else have allowed it, because her mum and dad, and her as well were very much Christian. So it meant that she couldn’t have sex, just with somebody there was a crush, she needed to want it. And I knew she wanted it now. I really knew.

 

The door slammed open, and woke me up from the memories that was planted in my head, while I’d look down at my beloved Sophia. “Liam, we have to go now,” Niall’s voice where the only sound in the entire room.

I glanced up at him. His eyes were in the  clearest blue color I’ve ever seen. Just like Sophia always told me they were. Maybe I should listen a little more to her, just like when she said we would be together forever; maybe she actually meant those words, or else she wouldn’t have said them. But why is she then leaving me?

Because she wants you to follow!

My sight looked around the room, I wasn’t quite sure if I just heard what I thought I heard. A voice. A voice I knew, but I couldn’t say who it was; it was like I forgotten all the names the voice could belong to.

“Are you coming?” Niall asked one more time, and this time I nodded.

 

| | |

 

Her voice was in my head, here hands were in my memories, and the  taste of her lips were in my mouth. She woke me up from my dream because of something she said. Her mouth there quietly whispered ‘I will meet in heaven with you, my beloved’

My mind wouldn’t let the words get out and I couldn’t sleep. I knew she weren’t beside me in my bed anymore, but even though I still looked over to watch if she was there again. The disappointment came up to me, and showed on my outside look. It was so stupid, but I just missed her so bad.

It did hurt actually.

A pain in my heart made me immediately sit up and take a hand over my heart. A weird noise came out from my mouth as a headache started to show too. It was like something did attack me from the inside, and when the thought came, the memories showed.

All the bad things that I’ve been through started to show. The hole I had I my heart, before I met Sophia made its welcome again. And I knew that it wouldn’t disappear again because it was never gone. Even not when I had Sophia with me, she just made me forget all about it in a way nobody ever made me forget it. And that was what had kept me alive.

It did all show up… I couldn’t live without Sophia, and she couldn’t live without me. I could feel she missed me, even though she was dead. And the worst part of it all, I missed her too. So much.

I sat up in my bed, and took my feet down at the floor. When I could feel it underneath me, I stood up and walked across the room and out of the door.

My feet did take me the know way towards the bathroom door, and as I walked the way I looked at the walls there where full of pictures. Not only of me and Sophia, but the boys as well. I stopped and started to look at them.

The group picture; the first we did ever take together as a group in the x-factor. It still meant the world to me, that pic, because it was the beginning of a better life. But not until I met Sophia I really, really enjoyed everything I was doing.

And I wouldn’t back to be the sad man again, I’ve lived with the pain too much.

“I’m so, so sorry,” I quietly whispered to the picture and took the last steps away from it, and over to the bathroom door. It stood open already, just like I knew that this would happen already before I was going to bed.

The mirror reflected my movements as I went over to the closet, and opened it. My sight immediately looked after the pills. I don’t know why, but I just felt like it was the most proper way to say goodbye to this world.

But before I took any of them, I found my phone. I did go in to my messages and to every contact in my phone I choosed to send them a sms. Not long, no explanation just one simply word; ‘sorry’.

As the time passed on I toke some toiletpaper, and looked inside the closet to find a pencil. I scribed down one sentence ‘I can’t live without her,’ and then I placed it in my pocket, just so people could see it.

And then I came to the hard part, I returned to the pills. My hand shook as I opened the lid. The doubt started to show as I looked down on the many pills that I needed to swallow, but then I remembered the pain. Or the pain showed actually, and her voice showed. Just like it was her there did all this to me, so we could be together forever.

With my shaking hands I let a lot of pills fall down in my hand and when I thought that I had enough I took them inside my mouth. I needed water to swallow them, but I didn’t have any glass, and I couldn’t reach the kitchen without spitting all of them out.

So instead I just leaned under the sink, and toke some water from there. And as I swallowed all the pills I heard my phone, over and over again. I knew somebody called me, but I wouldn’t take it. It would be stupid of me.

I just waited till it stopped ringing before I took it in my hand and just waited for the pills to work. And as I sat here, the memories with the boys showed.

How happy we were together just after the first concert, and how much work we did put into it all together. It all started to be a good ending.

I’ve reached what I wanted to reach. I’ve had a nice and supportive family. I found the four best mates in the world, and a true love. I gained my favorite job and the best fans in the world. And all that I did with the pain inside me.

But now it was enough, I was finish hiding it all away. And I was happy... to finally get away from it.  

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