The Locket Of Hair

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  • Publiceret: 25 aug. 2013
  • Opdateret: 25 aug. 2013
  • Status: Igang
SAM AND JUSTIN YAY

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9. TLOH 68

A Bieber Love Story

The Locket of hair part 68:

Decisions 

 

RETWEET BEFORE YOU READ!

 

*Sam’s point of view*

I woke up in the grass panting, sweating like I’d just run a marathon which in theory it looked like I had. The sun peered down at me cooking my skin through the thick material of the sweatshirt. Pulling it off my tanktop and bra were completely soaked through with sweat. And the worst part? The only thing on my mind was how many calories had the run pulled off of me. There was a little girl standing next to me when I sat up heading throbbing like the beat of a drum. She looked at me in confusion like I shouldn’t have been there. Like I didn’t belong at McDonalds.

“Sam?” She whispered.

“H—how do you know my name?” I gasped out.

“You’re the girl on tv, you helped my big sister go to treatment.” 

That dug at me, broke through my dam and let the water spill out.

“Wow uh how is your sister sweetie?” I asked still having trouble breathing.

“She’s better. Taking it day by day.” She said to me.

“D—do you want an autograph maybe? To take to her?” I asked her.

She nodded softly running away to find something I’m sure. I collapsed against the grass then still baking like the life in my body was moisture being suck out by the sun. She came back with a marker, a happy meal box, and her mother. Great.

“Are you okay Mam?” The mom asked.

I shook my head because that’s all I had the strength to do.

“M—my pocket, my money I need something to eat.” I mumbled weakly.

I felt the prodding at my pockets as the mother took my wallet. 

“What do you want?” She asked sympathetically.

“A fry.” I whispered.

I listened to her tell her little girl to stay and keep an eye on me. As soon as she was gone the little girl started to try and help me up. My body must have weighed more than I thought because the job that seemed impossible took just a little grunt and pull. I noticed that holding the sharpie to sign her body was extremely difficult and energy consuming. It took me a second to remember my name and then another minute to remember how to write it. I gave her the box and she just pulled me into a hug like I was important to her.

“Thank you. For everything.” She said softly.

“You’re welcome honey.” 

Her mom came back with my wallet and a large fry with a drink. 

“What kind of drink is this?” I asked taking a sip.

“It’s coke dear.” She said.

I wanted diet coke, less calories but regular would give me just a little bit of energy that I could work off when Justin was working or something. They watched me eat the fry and I started to relax having something in my system again. The mom knew what was up, she knew who I was and the idea of a magazine talking about me having an eating disorder scared the hell out of me. My fans were everything. They didn’t need to worry about me once so ever. Soon after I was done eating though it’s like my stomach just started doing flips. Everything I’d just consumed came up again in the grass leaving me to convulse against it like a goddamn exorcism.

“Maybe we should take you to the hospital?” The mother suggested softly.

“No,” I groaned. “My husband—I mean my fiancé is on his way.” 

My phone rang then signaling Justin was close.

“Hello?” My voice cracked into the phone.

“I’m down the street so look out for the range rover.”

He hung up before I could reply and I stumbled up onto my feet groaning again. Sweat kept beading on my forehead as I picked up my sweatshirt and earbuds. Across the street the range rover got closer and closer as I turned to the little girl and her mom.

“Thank you for the help. I—I gotta go.” I mumbled.

They waved at me as I walked away and I tried my best to smile. But I couldn’t feel the muscles in my face stumbling forward to get to the car.

*Justin’s point of view*

She got into the car and groaned as the air conditioning hit her. Her face was redder then a kid’s meal box at McDonalds and sweat dripped down her body everywhere. Jazzy was listening to the radio and playing with Jaxon but other than that neither of us made a sound. I turned the car around and headed back home wondering how the hell she got all the way to Santa Monica. She breathed heavily the sound radiating in the car. I bit my lip reaching my hand over onto her sweaty knee. She’d been looking out the window resting her chin in her palm and finally turning to look at me.

“You really hurt my feelings.” She said softly.

I looked back at the road biting my lip and nodding.

“I’m sorry. I lost it . . . I shouldn’t have yelled like that.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

“Can I take you somewhere? To apologize?” I asked.

“What about the kids?” she smirked into the window.

“We’re going to aunty Pattie’s!” the kids squealed from the backseat.

I smiled. “I’ll take you home, drop them off and then we’ll go okay?”

She said okay and I left her alone after that because she just seemed so exhausted. The drive home was filled with songs of people I’d worked with before or heard about whether they were compared to me or brought up my name in an interview. We drove home and I got out of the car to go get her door and help her out. She looked up at me and I just wanted to hold her and protect her.

“You look exhausted.” I murmured wrapping my arms around her neck.

“I know.” She sighed.

“Did you run all the way over there?”

She nodded softly looking down. I sighed and pulled her close despite the sweat that seemed to be dripping from every pore on her body.

I kissed her forehead. “Go shower, calm down. I’ll be back okay? I just want you to be happy.”

She blushed. “I love you Justin.”

“I love you too baby.”

She turned to leave smiling finally when I smacked her ass lightly. I smirked as she giggled and headed inside the house. Being mad at Sam was like being mad at a kitten. It’s impossible.

* * *

“Hey mom thanks for watching them for a couple hours.” I sighed.

We’d made the trip to her house and gotten the kids out of car running up to the door so they could go see her.

“It’s fine sweetie everything okay?” She asked.

The scratched the back on my head. “I don’t know.”

She scrunched up her eyebrows. “What do you mean?” 

“I—I don’t know Mom I just I gotta go I don’t want to leave Sam alone too long.” I sighed.

“Okay.” She said softly.

I let her pull me into a hug and thanked her again for watching the kids before heading back to Sam. The entire drive home I thought about Sam. I didn’t know what was wrong and she sure as hell wasn’t going to tell me any time soon. But if I kept an eye on her she’d start pushing me away and I didn’t want that. Her happiness is all that I wanted. I thought maybe if I got home soon enough I could catch her in the shower and get some more insight on what was going on with her. Walking inside the sound of the shower wavered from upstairs. I snuck my way quietly down the hall and into our bedroom to get to the bathroom. 

Looking through the fogginess of the shower door I saw her sitting on the ground with her arms wrapped around her. It was impossible to tell whether or not she was crying because of the water and she didn’t make any sounds. I moved a little closer trying to see more until I stumbled all the way into the bathroom she gasped looking up from me.

“I didn’t hear you come in.” She said over the volume of the water.

“Oh I guess I didn’t call loud enough. It’s about a half hour till sunset and I’d like to get there before so . . . you almost done in there?” I asked.

“Oh uh yea I just . . . my feet hurt from running so I just sat down.” She said getting up.

“You could’ve taken a bath.” I suggested.

She shrugged. “I guess so.”

I grabbed a towel waiting for her to step out of the shower and into it with a sigh. I asked for a kiss and she actually smiled leaning in to press her lips to mine. Her body was still warm sliding through my arms as I held her waist and took advantage of those sweet tender lips pushing them open and sucking her tongue softly. She groaned reaching to wrap her arms around my waist and pulling me closer. I slid my hands around her face holding her close and snaking my tongue around hers. Her mouth was hot moans soft and sweet as I picked her up and held her legs around my back. 

She tried to pull away saying it was too much but I didn’t listen setting her on the counter and moving my mouth to her neck.

“Mmm baby we gotta go.” She sighed.

“I know.” I groaned not pulling away.

She giggled and started kicking me softly till I pulled away and smiled.

“Get dressed already before I can’t help it anymore.” I muttered.

She kissed my neck hopping off the counter and heading for the closet leaving me to smile at her silhouette. I had a plaid shirt on and my beanie ready to leave so I just sat on the bed waiting for her. When she walked out my heart skipped a beat. She had on a blue sweater with a sleeve that fell subtly off her shoulder and light blue shorts that complimented her long legs perfectly in sneakers. Her hair was pulled over her shoulders hiding her face a little bit. She looked so beautiful my heart just sunk to the pit of my chest.

“Do I look alright?” She asked softly.

I shook my head. “You look gorgeous.”

She blushed and looked down waiting for me to take her hand as we left the house. I kept my hand on her thigh as we drove and she didn’t pull it away. When I looked over her she was already looking at me a smile plain on her lips. I drove her far away from the house up to the top of a hill where her surprise was waiting already. She bit her lip in anticipation asking me every two seconds where we were we going. I got out of the car when we were close enough and opened her door. She stepped out looking beautiful and I wrapped my hands around her eyes so she couldn’t see and whispered in her ear.

“Okay just walk forward I’ll guide you baby.” I told her.

She as told moving forward softly at first before becoming surer of her steps.

“Justin where are we?” She giggled.

“Come on just a couple more steps honey.” I begged.

She sighed and kept moving till I got her exactly where I wanted her.

“Okay open.” I whispered.

*Sam’s point of view*

I opened my eyes and gasped. We were on a hill or a mountain or something like that. There was a big thin blanket laid out on the ground with a beautiful picnic in front of it. The sun was setting lighting the mountain on fire with the rare yellows and bronze golds. He had candles lit too filling in and matching the color of the sun perfectly. Everything was perfect down to the wooden basket setting in the middle. I turned to look at him not even knowing what to say. 

“Well baby? Do you like it?” He asked softly.

I nodded heavily biting my lip. He reached for my hands pulling them up to his lips and kissing them.

“I know that . . . sometimes I make mistakes and I’m not trying to bribe you but I hope this makes up for it a little bit.” He said a smirk playing on his lips.

Justin led me to blanket and sat me down pillows for comfort hitting my back softly. I was blushing like crazy as he opened the basket and started pulling out my favorite foods. He bought classic glass bottles of diet coke because I thought they were cool but hard to find. Everything he pulled out made me one to kiss him and hug him and thank him for loving me. Before we ate he looked up over at me and reached pulling my hair behind my ears.

“You’re too beautiful to hide your face baby.” He said softly.

I could feel my cheeks burning I’d blushed so hard.

When we started to eat he pulled me in-between his legs and kept kissing my skin. We watched the sun set and he whispered funny things in my ear telling me about how Jaxon said swag today. I was laughing and smiling and it was all genuine. The food I chewed and swallowed allowing myself one meal a day. My clothes were starting to fit different which made me happy. Everything just seemed to be going perfect.

“Can I give you your present before dessert?” He asked.

I took a sip of my diet coke and smiled nodding. He pulled out this big cardboard box from behind his box. In blue ink there were stuffed animals all over and it read Build a Bear across the top. I smiled wide because it was so much better than some expensive necklace or bracelet. He went through and picked everything out from the heart. I opened the box and a panda bear was looking up at me with big dark eyes and pure white fur to contrast the black. It was beautiful.

“Oh my gosh Justin!” I sighed.

“You like it?” He smiled.

I shook my head. “I love it honey.”

I pulled him into a hug and he ran his fingers softly up and down my back. When we kissed his lips were warm and soft just pressing into mine with tenderness.

“Press the hand.” He murmured.

I giggled and looked down at my stuffed animal pressing the little hand.

“I’d like to be everything you want, hey girl let me talk to you . . . I love you Sammy.” His voice rang out.

I looked down at my panda fighting tears it was so sweet.

“Oh Justin.” I sighed falling into his arms. 

He hugged my body close kissing my cheek. “I’m so glad you liked it.”

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too.” He promised.

Dessert was my favorite again red velvet cake and then he held me in his arms watching the view until it was dark outside. When everything was done he made me sit and watch him put everything away blowing out candles and folding the blanket and stuffing everything into the basket. I looked at the birth certificate for our first “child” aka Swaggy Maggee and posted a picture to twitter.

#ThingsOnlyJustinDoes makes you a panda at build a bear and names it Swaggy Maggee. My first son guys xD

I smiled and closed my phone as Justin came up and wrapped his arms around me.

“Come on we still gotta pick up Jazzy and Jaxon.” He said softly against the nape of my neck.

“Okay.” 

We walked back to the car swinging our hands back and forth and he kissed me again hugging me tight before opening my door for me.

The entire drive home I held one of his hands and kissed his fingers over and over again listening to him bite his lip. We stopped at Pattie’s and picked up the sleeping kids before sliding the kids into their carseats and headed home. Justin was so cute when we pulled them from the car and headed for the stairs. He handled Jaxon and me Jazzy taking them in the room they shared. He pulled off Jaxon’s shoes and changed him slowly into his pj’s. We got both of them changed without waking them up and slid them under the covers. Justin went over kissing their foreheads and whispering that he loved them in their ear. I did the same before we turned out the light and headed back to our room.

“Did you have a nice time tonight?” He asked softly.

I nodded smiling. “Yes I did thank you.”

Justin plopped down on the couch pulling over his shoes and shirt. I looked him up and down biting my lip and turned away going to the closet to change. I put the dirty clothes in the basket and headed to change. I felt his eyes on me before his hands touched me. Then his breath came hot onto my neck and I sighed feeling his hands on my body.

“I don’t want to go to bed yet.” He whispered.

“W—what do you want to do?” I asked.

“You.” 

My body shivered as his breath touched the tip of my spine. He turned me around kissed my cheek and traveling to my neck pressing pecks against the skin. My heart screamed out thumping to the beat of a drum in my chest. He pulled my legs up and wrapped them around his back kissing my shoulders and all around my chest. I groaned and wrapped my arms around his neck pushing his mouth deeper into my neck. We started to move then as Justin pulled me out of the closet and tossed me lightly onto the bed. I giggled as he climbed on top of me and looked down biting his lip.

“You have to be quiet tonight okay? We can’t wake up Jaxon and Jazzy.” He said softly.

“Okay.” I whispered.

He clapped off the lights and rolled over pulling me ontop of him as we started to kiss again. His mouth tasted so good I couldn’t help myself yanking his pants off and clawing at his boxers. Every few seconds we’d switch places; he’d roll over ontop of me, then I’d roll over ontop of me. We moved over and over kissing and touching and holding like it was destiny. His body was warm, abs hot as I ran my fingers over them and sighed. 

Justin kissed my neck softly pulling my bra off and throwing it across the room. I laid back as he started for my underwear biting his lip and sliding them down my legs. He looked me over and the self-consciousness settled in and I suddenly wished the room was darker.

“God you’re so fucking beautiful.” He whispered voice husky. 

I smiled a little looking down as I sat up and moved my hand onto his cheek. We kissed as I gripped the back of his hair pulling his lips closer and closer as my need for a taste of him increased. Justin pushed me back onto the bed climbing on me all over again except this time I felt his hard on press into my stomach. The drawer beside our bed opened as he grabbed a condom from our stash and tore it open with his teeth. I licked my lip for some reason find that to be one of the most attractive things ever.

“You ready?” He asked biting his lip.

“Y—yea please.” I sighed.

He smiled grabbing the covers and pulling them overs ontop of us as he slid deep inside.

*Justin’s point of view*

Everything was absolutely perfect. I was holding her body in my arms my thrust a perfect combination of rough and hard. She bit down on her lip throwing her head back and trying to keep her moans down. I moaned into her skin licking and nibbling on her flesh as I dug myself into her over and over again. We started to move more in sync her thrusting back at me with her pelvis and driving me crazy. When we kissed my entire body ignited in the best flames imaginable as I wrapped my arms around her thighs and moved closer getting deeper and deeper inside of her. 

“Oh god.” She grunted in a whisper.

“You like that?” I asked pushing so hard the bed shook in its frame.

She slid her hands onto my shoulders looking close to tears.

“I—I can’t not scream if you pound me like that.” She gasped.

I slid my hand over mouth and pressed my lips to her ear.

“Do whatever you gotta do cause I’m not holding back.”

Things were going so well. I mean Sam was tight, her body was hotter then lava and she moaned like nobody’s business into my hand. I started going hard giving it to her like I usually did and holding one of her hips in my hand for leverage. It was just getting good. We were under the covers going at it like animals when the comforter started to move. Sam made me stop hitting my chest and asking if I heard that.

“Baby what are you talking about?” I sighed.

“Carty?” 

Not Jazzy. Please don’t let it be jazzy. But it was and it became the awkwardness of Scooter walking in on us times twelve hundred. Sam peeled the covers back softly and there she was holding the bunny I’d made for her and staring at us.

“S—sweetie what’s wrong?” Sam asked hoarsely.

“Was Bieber killing you?” She asked.

Sam blushed deeply. “No Bieber and I were just talking what’s wrong why are you out of bed?” 

“I had a nightmare I need potty.” She whispered.

“Okay you can go in our bathroom right there I’m on my way alright?” 

“Otay.”

Jazzy headed for the bathroom and Sam grabbed my shirt up off the floor throwing it on and running after her. I sighed and pulled my sweatpants back on joining them in the bathroom after Jazzy was all done. Sam had set up a stepping stool for her and Jaxon in our bathroom so Jazzy went and washed her hands all by herself. But of course when it was all set and done Jazzy wasn’t ready to just go back to bed she wanted to crawl into bed with us. So she sat in Sam’s lap and had her brush her hair for hours. I tried going on twitter to tell my fans I loved them. I played temple run. I actually read one of Scooter’s emails. I even read an email about my image from someone who probably got fired for the stupidity typed and if not hopefully was on their way. They were still awake. Can’t a guy just make love to his fiancé in his bed? 

“Jazzy it’s late sweetie we should get you back in bed.” I sighed at last.

“I wanna stay here.” She mumbled.

“Yea but you Jaxon would wake up all alone and then he’d be sad. Besides you know what dad says about sleeping in your own bed.” 

Sam wouldn’t get in the middle of it because Sam could never tell Jazzy no. Jazzy sighed way too mature for her age already and turned to “Carty”.

“You can carry me to bed now. I’m ready.” 

So we took her back into the room and laid her down next to Jaxon who slept through the night like a good swagged out little brother. I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her and Sam did the Sam. She smiled and snuggled up to her bunny closing her eyes as we left the room. She closed the door softly and I was staring at her the whole time just waiting for that smile on her face when she looked at me.

“What?” She asked honestly.

“Get that ass in bed before I get angry.” I demanded.

She giggled and started running. “Yes daddy.”

I rolled my eyes and slapped her ass running off to continue what should’ve never been interrupted.

*Sam’s point of view*

I woke up the next morning exhausted which was become a new thing for me. It took five minutes just to get my eyes to open. The night before had been so amazing with Justin though and not just because he made love to me but because . . . he showed me how to love him back. In our room he was kissing me all over, listening when I said that felt good. I tried to do the same thing resting my arms on the tops of his shoulders to thrust back at him. That was perfect no matter how I felt about myself. But when I woke up I saw the most adorable and beautiful thing ever. Justin was carrying in a tray of food which couldn’t actually be eaten by me. Jazzy was carrying my coffee slowly and carefully. And Jaxon the little ladies’ man brought me a rose.

“Good morning baby.” He smiled setting the trey over my lap.

“Good morning.” I smirked. 

He gave me a shirt and my bra making sure Jazzy and Jaxon didn’t look while I changed before suddenly three other people were in bed with me.

“Carty can I have your bacon!” Jazzy sang.

“Jazzy no we don’t just take people’s food.” Justin told her.

But before she could start frown I’d already picked the bacon up off the plate.

“Here sweetie,” I smiled ripping the pieces in half. “two halves for your two halves for Jaxon.”

Justin moved closer to me wrapping his arms around my waist.

“I’ll make you some more if you want.” He sighed.

I smiled. “I’m not really a bacon girl . . . I much prefer sausage.”

His eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head at my sex joke. That made me laugh to be quite honest. Our morning kiss was beautiful and long him holding my face in his hands again make me feel so small and protected. Jazzy and Jaxon started to scream gross as I snaked my tongue in his mouth and I giggled pulling away. Justin reached onto my plate to have a piece of toast and I wished he just took the plate with him. I drank my coffee laying in his arms as the kids watched tv in our bed.

“So what’s on the schedule for today?” I asked softly.

He sighed. “I have to go to the studio. I’m playing some tracks for people and we’re trying to pick the songs to go on it. But I’m gonna hurry baby I promise.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” I hushed him. “Justin I know you. I can tell you right now go and hurry the hell up. But then you’ll feel rushed and you won’t give quality and then there’s no point in you even going. You as an artist like to take your time and be thorough so baby be thorough.”

He looked at me and smiled. “Okay I will. But I want to spend time with them and you so I’m not gonna be there all day. Not to mention you don’t need to be with them by yourself for hours since their both insane.”

We looked over to them dancing to the fresh beat band and laughed.

“Baby I kind of have interviews this week.” I murmured. 

“Oh well what days?” He asked arms tight around me.

“I have Chelsea tomorrow. I have . . . Conan on Wednesday and then Friday I have that MTV thing for the premiere of the documentary.” I said.

“Which we will be watching here.” He smirked watching me blush. “Look baby its perfect. I have my MTV thing on Thursday so nothing clashes. I’ll be there for you and I’ll watch Jaxon and Jazzy I’m used to it.” 

“You’re just too perfect.” I breathed.

He shrugged and smiled making me shake my head.

Our morning was spent cuddling together and watching the interesting and sophisticated bubble guppies. I was a little upset wondering what the hell happened to blue’s clues and sponge bob. Justin texted Scooter back and forth about his schedule trying to hammer out details that could get us down to Canada. It looked like we were both just too busy. But the important thing was that he didn’t notice me throwing away my breakfast and hiding the napkin with the chewed up food in it. I played with Swaggy Maggee and Jazzy with her bunny while Jaxon tried to kill us with guns. For a while I sat there wondering why I was so happy. When it was cutting I was 250% miserable all the time even with Justin though he made me smile and laugh. But this time around it was only my body that I was complaining about. I could still be me just . . . without food.

But I made an appointment with my doctor while Justin would be in the studio. Was I going to tell him I’m starving myself? No. Was I going to ask questions and beat around the bush? Yes. Pattie was coming with me and that made me feel better, safer. So Justin ran off to go get dressed and I waited for the knock on the door from Pattie. 

“Babe have you seen my beanie!” Justin yelled from the closet.

I sighed. “Which one!”

“The black one! I always keep it on the hat rack and it’s not here!” 

I rolled my eyes and Jazzy giggled. “You two stay here while I go help this fool.”

I pulled on some sweat pants before getting out of bed and heading to the closet.

“Dumbass it’s right there on top.” I pointed.

He bit his lip. “Get it for me.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Justin you know I can’t reach all the way up there.”

He smiled evilly. “Stretch.”

I sighed and bended over the dresser trying to reach it and immediately feeling his eyes on my eyes.

“Those work outs are sure working out.” He commented.

And if that wasn’t reason enough to stop eating he grabbed my ass in bother hands so hard I thought I was about to pop. I blushed and hopped down handing him the beanie and looking over his outfit with approval. The beanie was nice and in place down pulled back so you could still see some of his hair. Dark jeans and that bright yellow shirt he hadn’t worn in a while. He looked normal, relatable, sexy as all could fucking be. I reached around grabbing his ass because I hadn’t done that in a while and it felt good in my hands.

“I can’t believe I finally got to touch you last night.” I whispered.

He shivered. “It’s been a while huh?”


I nodded. “You were . . . fantastic, wonderful.”

“Oh please the way you did that thing where you flipped around without making me slip out and still found a way to kiss me all over. You were the star last night.” He smirked.

I bit my lip blushing. “Was I heavy?”

He raised an eyebrow and all I could think about was just why I had to always fucking ruin things.

“You’re never heavy Samantha.” He said.

I know I’ve messed up when he calls me Samantha.

“I was just kidding baby, I want to try on top though tonight a little cowgirl action never hurt anyone.” I said trying to cover it up.

He blushed and I was in the clear.

“So you already decided we’re going to do it again?” He asked.

I smiled softly. “Unless you don’t want to.”

“I DO!” He said to loudly, softening his tone then. “I mean yes, you can make love to me.”

I shivered like crazy and bit the hell out of my lip thanking not old God but Jesus when the door bell rang. 

* * *

“Thanks for coming with me Pattie I’m kind of nervous and the kids just . . . I thought it might be too much.” I sighed.

She smiled. “Sweetie it’s okay really. Are you alright? Justin . . .”

“Justin what?” I asked nervous.

“He just . . . seemed like he was worried about you when he dropped off the kids.” She said softly.

“Oh w—well Justin always worries.” I fake a smile.

“Yea because last time he didn’t worry you ended up on suicide watch.” She pointed out.

My breath cut off as they called out my name and I ran away from the conversation with Pattie.

“Dr. Simon.” I smiled walking into his office.

“Samantha it’s so nice to see you.” He sighed hugging me.

He stuck with me after treatment and I still saw him because I felt like he was trustworthy, almost as if he somewhat understood me.

“I know I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t gotten a chance to breath.” I said sitting down in our usual seats.

He once again set aside his pen and paper from the last person and sat down across from me not taking notes and just listening.

“Okay let’s see em.” He started off.

I pulled the sleeves of cardigan up offering my wrists like a present as he looked them over. It wasn’t a doctor thing . . . just an us thing.

“That’s good same, so good.” He smiled.

I smiled a little too looking down at them and trying to find a place to start.

“I had sex last night.” I said.

He didn’t judge me, didn’t laugh or ask why start there. I loved that about him.

“With your fiancé I presume?” 

I nodded softly.

“And how did it go?” He asked.

I could tell he wasn’t asking me was it good or not. He wanted to know what about it made it notable in my mind to bring up in our session.

“It was . . . unworldly satisfying. We just hadn’t done it in a while so . . .” I shrugged.

“Is Justin still playing a part in your recovery and your strength?” he asked softly.

I laughed a shaky little sound.

“He . . . cares about me so much. And it doesn’t make any sense.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because I’m not good enough.” I explained.

“And why are you not good enough? Justin seems to think that you are considering he proposed to you.” 

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I don’t know. All I know is that he looks at me like I’m everything good in the world. Like all the bad things; world hunger, violence, the economy like when he looks at me none of it matters. Like things will get better just because of me.”

“Do you think maybe he’s putting you up on a pedestal too high for you to obtain?” He asked. 

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I want to scream and tell him I just can’t be that. But other times not so much.”

“Well Sam it sounds like your describing the days when you’re in control of your disorders and the days when you’re not. And the thing you have to realize is that it’s okay to feel down sometimes. That’s normal. But you cannot blame other people for seeing the good in you. When you do that you push him away and I highly doubt he wants that just as much as I doubt you want that.” He said.

I took a deep breath. “You sound just like him right now.”

He chuckled. “Sounds like a smart guy.”

“I want to ask you something.” I said softly staring away.

“You can ask me anything.” He promised.

“Anorexics. Do you deal with them?” I whispered.

He nodded in my peripheral. “Yes . . . do you know someone who’s dealing with it?”

“Is it possible that sometimes people can conquer one disorder just to move on to another?” I asked ignoring his question.

“It’s very possible. Sometimes people just feel better for a little while but they start to miss hurting themselves or whatever is they may have done. And they may realize that what they did before was unhealthy and they won’t go back to that so starting all over again with something fresh they don’t feel the need to ask for help.” He explained.

I nodded. Too bad I was dealing with a professional.

“When’s the last time you ate?” He asked casually.

“This morning,” I lied. “Justin made me breakfast in bed.”

“Did you keep it down?” 

“I wasn’t talking about me okay? I was thinking in general.” I interrupted.

“Okay . . . I want to ask you something.” He said.

I turned to look at him.

“When’s the last time you cried?”

I bit my lip. “In the shower . . . yesterday.” 

“And why did you cry?” He pushed.

“Because I had to look at the mirror.” I whispered.

He got up out of nowhere and started to move around the room until he pulled me over to this big grey machine in the corner.

“Step on the scale Sam.” He said.

“I—I’m not a food disorder girl I don’t have to get weighed.” I mumbled.

“Yes but I’m asking you to get on the scale. You don’t have to look at the number I won’t even tell you what it is.”

“Promise?” I whispered.

“Promise.”

I closed my eyes and sucked in my gut thinking that that would somehow make me weigh less before stepping on the scale. It was a digital one—the kinds they have at the doctor’s office—and I couldn’t hear anything until it beeped. I let my curiosity get the better of me and checked the number. 122.5. I wanted to just die. We sat back down after that and he asked me more about my job and my fans. He said he was going to watch the documentary and that it looked really honest and powerful. That made smile. We talked fifteen minutes passed my time focusing on something I hated to think about.

“You’re fans.” He said softly. “How do they feel about you?”

I sighed. “They look at me like I’m perfect . . .but perfectly imperfect. They understand how I feel sometimes because they feel the same way.”

“Do you think that it would break their heart maybe if something were to let’s say happen to you?”

I started to cry and looked down nodding. “Yea.”

“That’ll be all for today Samantha.” He said handing me the box of tissues.

We stood up then me wiping my tears and him patting my back as I left. I wasn’t sure if he knew exactly what was going on with me but he knew enough. I took Pattie out to lunch with the kids to thank her for watching them tell her I was too nervous to eat after the meeting with the therapist. She didn’t push it and I knew now that I was going to have to work harder than ever to lose that 22.5 pounds. A hundred pounds was perfect, then I would stop and Justin would be happy. 

After lunch I took Pattie home and we all headed to go see Justin at the studio. The kids were happy and I felt a little better after not being around food. I’d tweeted my fans earlier then I had an appointment with my therapist but then during lunch I’d said: 

Sometimes you wake up and you just feel like going away from everything and everyone. I hate when you tell me everything’s okay when my world is falling apart.

Some fans took it and got worried asking me am I okay was I still staying strong. I deleted the tweet before Justin or Scooter could see it and make a big deal out of nothing. I drove and thought to myself about what I was doing. I thought about the people I could be hurting by hurting myself. I thought about Justin and that was tie breaker. Hurting him would kill me worse then anything.

I took the kids inside eating there candy and shhing them when they started squealing. We walked through to the back where Justin was set up with a whole bunch of producers and people I didn’t recognize. Scooter was there and so was Alfredo who pointed me out to Justin through the window.

“Bring them in!” He yelled smiling.

I couldn’t smile back and just held their little hands pulling them into the studio. They both ran into Justin’s arms and he hugged them tight telling them how much he’d missed them.

“Gosh did you two grow or something while you were gone?” He smirked.

They giggled and he hugged them tight giving them his chair and standing up.

“And you,” He shook his head smiling over at me so wide it looked like it hurt. “You come here beautiful.”

I did as hold and he pulled me close hugging me to his body and making me feel whole.

“I missed you so much.” He whispered. “It’s not the same without you next to me.”

He pulled away to look into my eyes and did a smile that told him something was up.

“I need to talk to you.” I mumbled.

“Okay talk.” He said.

“Alone.” I said softer.

He looked around at everyone noticing us as the mood changed and nodded.

“Fredo will you watch them for a minute.” He asked.

“Sure.” He smiled.

Justin took my hand leading me out of the studio but positioning us right infront of the big glass window that everyone could see though.

“What’s wrong baby?” He asked.

I looked down. “I—I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

He pushed my chin up. “Then be completely honest with me now.”

I nodded softly and bit my lip. “I . . . haven’t been eating f—for maybe three or four weeks give or a take a month. All the cleared plates were spit into napkins and dumped on the floor. The other day I ran to Santa Monica and I passed out and I woke up and I vomited from exercise induced nausea. And I tried to eat something and then I threw that up as well. I lost fifteen pounds in two weeks.”

He looked at me like his heart was being ripped straight from his chest.

“You . . . Why? Why are you doing this?” He asked.

I shook my head as the tears came. “If I told you it was because I want to be beautiful for you would believe me?”

“This is my fault?” He asked tears forming in his eyes as he whispered.

“No it’s not your fault it’s mine. I fucked up I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I cried.

He pulled me into his arms and he just hugged me so hard. He gripped my body strong and rough like letting go meant letting go of everything. 

“Stop it Sam stop trying to be so tough all the time when you’re so broken. Baby I can’t lose you, and I can’t let you just hurt yourself in anyway your scared little head can conjure up. We’re gonna get through this just like everything else. I promise.” He sighed.

“I believe you.” I whispered gripping him tight.

Then just like that I blinked and I was back in the car with the kids Jazzy yelling at me from behind. It was then that I made the decision to never tell him the truth.

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