I can honestly tell you that I’ve only been in love once in my life. Maybe this is surprising. Maybe not. The only problem is that this person didn’t feel the same about me. Pathetic, right? It wasn’t that I didn’t have boyfriends. I had a few of them.
I was a pretty nerdy kid growing up. I liked comic books and Star Wars. I played D&D and had a slight secret crush on Spock. I was also a pretty smart kid. In High School I started tutoring. The first student I got to tutor was one of the jocks. He was popular and well liked. He played football but his grades were failing and if he didn’t get them back up soon he’d get kicked off the team. So that’s where I came in.
We tutored for a few weeks before he started to hit on me. I was the total impressionable nerdy girl. And eventually he did manage to charm me right out of my pants in the back seat of his SUV. That’s how I lost my virginity. Sad, huh? I suppose I wasn’t upset about it. Mr. Football player had a pretty blonde girlfriend and he remained with her even though we fooled around when we were supposed to be studying. I never fell in love with that boy. I liked him but he was full of himself and annoying. Eventually his girlfriend accused him of cheating, though I was certain she never suspected me, and he broke it off. I wasn’t all that broken hearted about it.
The next guy I had a relationship with was in college. He was pretty much just a good friend. We did everything together and one day he kissed me. I went along with it because I liked him and I figured over time I’d learn to love him. It never happened. We got a place together and then just before graduation he proposed to me. This is the point where I realized I had to put an end to it. I didn’t want to break his heart but I couldn’t picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. So I denied him and moved out.
I did feel pretty bad about it but it wasn’t really my fault. I guess I’m just one of those people that seriously considered my future when I meet someone. Mr. Football player was nice and he was cute. We probably would have had adorable children, but he didn’t love me and he was full of himself. He was embarrassed about sleeping around with the nerdy girl, and I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone like that. Mr. College guy was nice and fun, our children would have been hideous, but he had annoying habits that picked at me all the time, and I just really couldn’t see myself with him forever.
It wasn’t until I started my internship that I finally found that person I could see myself with. I’d had crushes before but none of them were ever like this. After graduation I got an internship with Dark Horse comics. I was ecstatic about it. I’d always wanted to be a comic book artist. It was my dream job. I started the job with a few other people. One of these people was Gerard Way.
He wasn’t cute in a movie star kind of way. But I knew the moment I saw him that I could love him forever. And I’d never felt like that for anyone before. He liked the same music as me. The same comics, and he had the same dark sense of humor. Sound’s perfect right? Well I imagine it could have been if he had only noticed me.
At the time Gerard was madly in love with one of our coworkers. She wasn’t an intern like us. She worked in the same office as us and had her own cubicle. She was pretty in a normal sense. She wore short skirts and drank martinis after work with “the girls.” I on the other hand had yet to discover showers and well-fitting clothing. Gerard didn’t notice me, because he was much too distracted by her.
The sad thing about this situation was that this girl ignored Gerard the way he ignored me. She was oblivious to him. He’d try to get her attention. He’d start conversations at the water cooler in attempt to get to know her. She wasn’t a nerd like us. She got the job because of the size of her breasts and only to pay the bills until her modeling career took off.
Eventually the girl left Dark Horse. She moved on to bigger and better things. I guess from what I’d heard she got a job in a cubicle just like ours, only working for Vogue instead of Dark Horse. Lucky her. At first I thought this was great news. I thought for sure Gerard would notice me now that micro mini was gone. But he didn’t. If anything her absence only depressed him. He stopped noticing anyone at all. Let alone the nerdy girl with a huge crush.
I don’t know why I fell so hard for someone who didn’t feel the same for me. It was as much a mystery to me then as it is now. But all I knew was that we would have been great together. If only he had just noticed me.
After Nine-Eleven Gerard went even further into depression. He quit his job and moved on. I didn’t hear from him for a while. And I slipped into my own depression. Eventually I came out of my depressed state and got a real job with Dark Horse. I started out with my own cubicle. But then I discovered showers and how to dress and moved up in the company. Finally I got my own office. It wasn’t glamorous or anything. I was still on the same floor. My office was still near the water cooler and it was the size of a closet. But it was mine and I loved it. I had a team to look over and I thought I was a pretty decent supervisor. I didn’t get my dream of becoming a comic book artist, but that didn’t stop me. I drew all the time and was working on my own web comic.
Everything in my life was pretty fantastic at that time. I was happy and everything was great. I didn’t have a boyfriend or a lot of friends outside of work, but things were pretty nice. I had my own apartment now, and no longer needed to mooch off my parents.