My worries may not be poverty nor cancer but they are my biggest worries I've ever encountered. It's like my worries sneer at me, haunt my mind every day. It's like they speak to me, tell me to hate myself. My worries are people. Well, people is a big topic and I hope you have the patience to listen.
Since I started school I have always been... different. Many people don't even notice me when I walk in the gates, like I'm a shadow, ghost or am invisible. Yet I'm not. I'm here. When they tell me to go die, when they tell me I don't deserve to be here I believe them.
I never speak to anyone, never let my fears flow from the tongue. I'm too cowardice to even approach people. But this morning he spoke to me, a supporting guy and I felt like it helped, just a little. But I prey he never tells my parents. I said 'he spoke to me', not I spoke to him. He came to me, he'd heard something somewhere... But it helped a little. Even though I hate talking to people it still made me feel 0.001% better. Now in my scale, that's massive.
I am of the feminine gender and that is step one to people bullying me. Their thoughts:
1. She's a girl. She's weak.
2. She's small. So easier to get her.
3. She doesn't communicate much. So she won't talk back.
4. She isn't bold. So we can say whatever we like.
5. She has no one to support her when we bully her. So we can really get her.
The five things they think. And the insults of course. The first one is sexist. The second one is heightist. The third one is anti-social-ist. The fourth one is shyist. The fifth one is lonerist. I know I made up four/five of those words. But in my opinion they're true. That's discrimination.
And I believe I deserve that. I believe all the pain I get must be deserved. So I get rid of my feelings inside by stabbing and stabbing and stabbing- everywhere. Cutting myself helps. It makes me feel all right for one. I never see a light anywhere even if I was to directly look at the sun, it's a black hole to me. Everywhere's a black hole. I, myself, am a black hole. I'm getting sucked into myself and everything, resulting in a mess. My own mess. My life mess. Nothing is perfect as so they say. Then why are those bullies so perfect? And why am I the total opposite?
Why God? Why Jesus? Why world?