Just sitting there, waiting for him to come home. Sitting with those same butterflies I had when I first met him.
But only it was different this time, because now he was mine. I hadn’t seen him in a couple months because he was with the boys touring. My heart was racing as if it was trying to get somewhere. The clock was ticking, my mind was somewhere else.
Then, I was caught off guard by the doorknob turning. It was like all of the sudden I was trying to think of everything I wanted to say that I never got the chance to say before. But before I even got the chance to take a breath, he stole all the words from my lips as he came through the door and kissed me. As he kissed me I knew that it was worth waiting all those months, just for that one kiss.
After that, I looked into the most beautiful, enchanting, eyes that every time you looked into them, you learned a life lesson, so many untold stories behind each blink. I couldn’t help myself but to say “Niall I love you”. He whispered to me, and said “I love you to the moon in back”. Me being the sensitive loving romantic person I am, I hugged him tighter never wanting to let go. I was afraid that if I let go, I’d lose him.
Later that night we went to the most magnificent, restaurant. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I was still caught on the fact that he was there with me. All I could do was just stare and smile, I couldn’t help it.
Our food we had ordered had come, except I was given a desert that I did not order. It was really pretty, and weirdly enough, my favorite German chocolate cake with a freshly picked rose. Something had caught my eye on that rose. Niall noticed I saw and got down on one knee. My heart dropped. My jaw dropped. I was in a flutter.
In is smooth, sweet, Irish accent, the words slipped from his lips, “will you forever be my princesses?” And my heart spoke for me, I said yes. My eyes were raining water. The lighting, the sunset, the smell, the feel… it was just so perfect. If I could stay in this moment of time forever I would.
But I was so caught in the moment; I forgot to tell him... that while he was gone, I got sick. Not just your typical flu, I was seeing every specialist you could name. I had to go to the hospital 4 times. Blood draws every week. Just to be told the same thing, that they didn’t know what was wrong. Until my white blood cell test came back and it just didn’t look like good news. Why didn’t I tell him before you ask? Because I just couldn’t distract him from the band. I just couldn’t.
Niall and I got home, and he asked me why I was being so quit and still in the car on the way home. I knew I had to tell him, so in so many words I told him I was really sick and it didn’t look to good. He dropped onto the couch and held his head in his hands. Of course this was all happening in slow motion for me. Niall looked up at me with tears flooding his eyes, and asked me “how long did they give you”. I replied “six months”. Only to receive no response and him to just go back into the same position he had started in.
I think it hit him harder than hit me. He had sat at the window and looked out the window for hours, and just cried. I cried with him sometimes, but I know I needed to be strong. It tore me inside to see him upset. The house was quiet. Not even a sound.
I came to sit by him, and told him “the heart is the body’s strongest muscle, and together we will prove that because I will fight and fight and fight I promise.” He looked up at me with a face of confusion. And hugged me and told me that “I won’t let god take you before you are ready I promise.” My eyes got big and watery.
He asked me what I have always wanted to do, and I said “go see the ocean at sunset”. That very night we went to the ocean at sunset and just laid there. We did so many things that I have always wanted to do. It was picture perfect.
But doing all that stuff wasn’t going to make me any better. We both knew that. Witch was what made it hard for us.
We laughed the whole night. Because sometimes even the weakest people need to laugh. The cancer just kept getting me down worse and worse each week.
The cough was terrible. I was in stage 2, but it was pretty bad. All I could do was lay there and watch my favorite TV shows.
Niall did most the work, because I was just too sick. I felt bad about it, but what was I suppose to do it was out of my control.
The next day, around 12 a.m. I just got really sleepy. It was out of the norm. Not like me to just instantly get tired. It felt like I had an overdose on Benadryl. My heart started to beat really fast. I was very shaky. My face was as white as ghost. Niall had to carry me out to the car and rush me to the hospital.
You could see the panic in his eyes, the worry, and the fear.
when we got to the hospital,they put an IV in me, gave me some medicine. Not knowing what exactly was happening. I kept waking up and falling back asleep.
And the only person I would see when I woke up was niall holding my hand so tight, like he was trying to give me his strength.
He laid in the bed with me at nights and wouldn’t leave my side. And when I would fall back asleep, I could still kind of here what was going on around me. And I heard the sound of nialls voice trembling, the lights were dim and the doctor called him out in the hall, they didn’t know I could hear what was going on. You could hear Niall yelling and crying and asking why they couldn’t do anything.
He came back in the room and just dropped to his knees at the foot of my bed and started crying, And mumbling to himself. It was almost as if he took the blame. With all the power in me I tried to sit up and ask what’s wrong, besides the fact I had cancer, and he stood up as quick as he could trying to dry his face off and collect himself, hoping I wouldn’t notice. But I did.
He told me, that the tests were wrong and that I had 3 months because I was in stage 4. I was flabbergasted. I was so dehydrated I couldn’t cry, my lips had so my cracks. My mouth was dry; I just didn’t have any power.
He said” you promised you would fight and fight and fight! I need you to keep trying for me please you can’t leave me” he begged me to do something that was out of my control. I didn’t know what to say to make things better. He silenced quick and laid in bed with me. All he could say was he loved me. And that I would be his one and only princesses.
My hands were cold to the touch, as his were warm and comforting. The ocean came down crashing on us. Niall read me a couple chapters of my favorite book every day. He made sure they gave me my favorite breakfast, if I would even eat.
He painted my nails my favorite shade of baby blue, braided my hair, and bought me anything I wanted or needed. I was truly his princesses. I couldn’t be more thankful.
That morning, I woke up, and I felt so great. Like I was never sick. I woke Niall up and he smiled so big. It had been such a long time since he smiled. I was so happy. We got to laughing as the doctors came in and told me I could go home. It was truly an amazing day. We went home and watched and endless encore of movies. Laughed for hours.
Then we hear a ringing from the kitchen. It was the phone; the doctors were calling to tell me that I needed to go to chemo in a couple days. But we weren’t going to let that bump in the road ruin our perfect day. We only wanted to be with each other. We were inseparable. Life was good, so good that I wouldn’t give it up for the world.
A couple days past by and the rest of the boys came to visit and spent the night. Typical Saturday night. But this Sunday morning wasn’t just any day, i had to go to chemo. I was so scared, my knees were shaky, I just didn’t want to do it all I wanted to do was go home.
Finally we got called back after sitting in the waiting room for hours, the suspense of waiting was killing me. I just wanted it to be over with. They sat me in a big uncomfortable cold leather chair. Put an IV in my chest, it was weird I always got them in my arm. And injected cold fluids into me, witch was the chemo. Niall couldn’t go back with me, which broke my heart. I needed him to be there to hold my hand, to let me know that I wasn’t alone.
I put my headphones in, played my favorite song, and tried to fall asleep. But my mind was just wrapped around too much. I couldn’t imagine leaving this world before I was ready. The thought of death frightened me. Losing Niall frightened me.
I was always told that once you die, the world still revolves and after a while people move on, not forgetting about you, but you just become somebody everybody use to know.
There is stuff I still wanted to do, find out who I was going to be in life, I just am afraid. And nobody could help me cope with that fact I knew I was going to pass on soon. So basically I was wasting my time doing this chemo.
But then again maybe I wasn’t! Maybe those doctors were wrong. What if, what if, what if, what if. Is all I could think about. But you know something, I could live my life with what I had left or I could just exist. I had to choose. It’s my life, I choose what happens.