1. Send them dozens of soppy 'fan mail'. Don't imagine you're writing to them, just imagine you're writing to that ginger-haired boy who sits next to you in Maths. Add a gift to make it stand out. No, not your usual gift like roses or chocolates. Try a worm or an orange instead. Keep sending letters until you get a reply.

2. It's most likely that, if you do get a reply (if not, start again under disguise), it will just be a signed photo. That way, you can 'sue' them and take them to court for 'breaking your spirit'. If you did get a proper reply, 'sue' them by pretending they 'insulted you'.

3. When they are taken to court (if not, start again under disguise), pretend that you 'cried at night because you thought they didn't love you'. This might persuade the judge to take your side (if not, start again under disguise) and make them take you on a date.

4. At the date, take them to a fancy restaurant and 'borrow' one of the knives from the table. Then, suggest that you 'all go back to your house or you might cry'. Take them into your room and get the knife ready. When they seem most vulnerable...

5. When you have killed them all, start 'crying'. When your mum or dad or big sister comes in, tell them that 'a horrible, girly man with a funny haircut came in'. This means that you have not only killed One Direction, you have also got Justin Beiber arrested. Lucky you!