- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house.

- Knock, knock. Who's there? The chicken.

- The last thing my granda ever said to me was "You selfish boy." So a few days later I became a fishmonger.

- No mam, I cant cut the grass. There's wild pokemon out there.

- A blonde and a brunette are walking through the park. The brunette says "Oh look, a dead bird." The blonde looks up and says "Where?"

- What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

- What's green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.

- I once sat on the top deck of a double-decker bus. I was so scared because we didn't even have a driver.

- I went to Australia recently and I picked up some of the language. I learned that "Boo" means "To return." I know this because when you throw an ordinary meringue it doesn't work out.

- What does Santa say when he's at a strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!

- Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi.

- A group of ghosts broke into my house last week. Who am I gonna call? No, not Ghostbusters, my insurance company.