The Secrets of Capricorn

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by
Prince Jang 현승
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  • Published:
    29 May 12
  • On 6 favourite lists
  • 2715 views
Blurb If he had the choice between changing a single person’s life and changing the world, what would he choose? If it means giving up all that he’s ever loved, would he really take that place for the one person he cares about the most and stand in the front row, armed and ready to fight against the Last Apocalypse?
Plot keywords:
junseung,  scifi,  hyunseung,  aliens,  mutants,  junhyung
Category:
Science Fiction
Approx 30 minutes to read

The Secrets of Capricorn

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1. Prologue

If he had the choice between changing a single person’s life and changing the world, what would he choose? If it means giving up all that he’s ever loved, would he really take that place for the one person he cares about the most and stand in the front row, armed and ready to fight against the Last Apocalypse?

Yong Junhyung had always had a really 'bad habit' of 'borrowing' things that did not belong to him, especially case files and experiment records of an underground illegal laboratory he would never be approved access to.

It is there he discovered something truly phenomenal, something he didn't intend to give back.

 

✩*✩*✩*✩

 

Location: Earth – The Zodiacal Constellation

Year: 2114

Population: Less than two million

Race(s): Human, Other TBC

2047 – The First Apocalypse. The most memorable event in Earth’s history which scarred the world forever marked the beginning of the endless war between Humans and Aliens. Lasting only five years, it seemed as though The First Apocalypse was not entirely over. Seven different species of Aliens, part of The Seven Deadly Sins secret society swore they would dominate the world using The Last Apocalypse.

Today, the remaining Humans of dystopian earth, run by the Black Market, prepare themselves for war. Now, the populated countries have divided into The Zodiacal Constellation – twelve congregations in twelve different parts of the world, each cluster specialising in different forms of attack, defence, healing and other useful techniques to counter The Last Apocalypse.

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Comments (11)

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  • corn muffini want to read more and more, but i can't, i'll read more later. continue to write you have a gift.
  • JemmaAs promised.... I love this story and the way it is written. Really liked this and how the story is portrayed and the language that you use is phenomenol! I am so pleased with your grammar and spelling in this story because authors often make mistakes(me included!) Loved it, you have a real talent!
  • Diego<3Wow this could unfold into something amazing and I await more :D Maybe don't be so secretive with facts cause (I'm not sure if this is me) but I think you could tell something :D But seriously, your writing is so unique and I love the bits at the beginning of each chapter. Well done :)
  • inkpencil...;)Okay, here's my CC on this:

    Prologue: Is well written, but the line "it is there he discovers something truly phenomenal..." feels a tad awkward. The bit before is written in perfect past, with "had" all over the place. Then it kind of moves into present and the transition feels strange. However, they may be a personal thing. I'd have liked it better if the tense was consistent.
    The line "Lasting only five years, The First Apocalypse did not end there" is contradictory. If it lasted five years, then it ended there. Perhaps add a sentence or two explaining that it moved from outright more into more subtle events?
    Personally, I think that bit about Yong doesn't need to be there. The background information is given later anyway, so it feels like an info dump. That second bit is the hook, and the thing that grabbed my attention.

    Chapter 1: The third paragraph, with the internal thought stuck out to me. Was that put there solely so you could communicate information to the reader? I doubt people think like that to themselves.
    "He though" = typo. "He thought."
    Paragraph 6: I think this backs up what I said about the prologue. It is basically a repeat, and doesn't need to be said twice. I'd prefer it if it was said here.
    Write out numbers. It is considered more "literary."
    I think there is a lot of description in this chapter, and while it is really good, I think it would be best if you chose the place on which to zoom in on the specific details. Yes, I'd like to know about the shape of his lips, but do I really need to know information on the table? Taking out stuff like this will speed the story up, and take out any unnecessary words.
    The line "... was an intelligent kid; too intelligent" is tell, and it doesn't need to be there. We can see he is too intelligent from the things he does, like sneaking in to read files. So this line feels redundant.
    The line "his heart was running around in his stomach" made me stop and think, which took me out of the story. Maybe think about a description which presents his emotions in a better way?
    Fourth paragraph from the bottom: "the floors were floors were floors were made..." Huh? Sorry, I didn't get that.

    I think you should use the "find" tool in word to highlight "was." Generally, it is considered to be a beacon screaming "I am tell!" In some places, there are loads of "was"s all really close together. I can't remember where, but they stood out to be and pulled me out of the story. Focusing on the technical aspects will polish this up no end.

    Chapter 2: "was starting to give him a migraine." Do bad smells generally tend to give you a headache? Plus, he hasn't been in the room long enough for it to affect him so badly.
    The description on the two scientists is an example of zooming in at the wrong place. Give us one or two bits of information about the scientists that shows us something about their personality: for example, "the stark white of the lab coat" of the man could show that he is someone who cares about being clean. I might skim over descriptions that are too long, or aren't relevant to the plot. Is it essential I know exactly what they're wearing? Again, giving a small detail may be all it takes for me to fill in the rest of the details.
    The man's speech feels like an info dump.

    Chapter 3: I liked.
    inkpencil...;)Oho, and I know that reviews are supposed to be selfless and all, but could you look at my movella "Cry, the Stars"? I'd appreciate it :D
  • Y. Nirvana I do love sc-fi (can't stand Star Trek though...) and this is brilliant so far! I have faved and can't wait for more! :D
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