Beauty of Ignorance - Nighttime Thoughts

There are times when one would wonder. Just wonder. Mostly it’s something that flashes in your mind when you’re floating in clouds in the middle of the night, half awake, half asleep, high without weed and experiencing the nirvana of nighttime highness.

Well, I really wouldn’t call it nirvana. Nope, it’s not Nirvana, Nirvana is peace, and my mind anything but peaceful at night.

They say brain functions the best in the morning but I believe my brain activity is at the peak when the world sleeps. There are so many thoughts that I have unconsciously hidden from myself in tiny corners of my mind space. But at night when people are dreaming all those hidden thoughts in symbols and trying to decipher them in the morning while sitting at the loo, I simply drench myself in the state of half wakefulness and half asleep and thoughts barge in from the spaces of my consciousness to the middle of room. I clearly see everything. Everything mostly includes my self esteem and the negative self concept I have and how low I score in my self-efficacy (Psych 101). The best (worst) thing is that it’s not even appearing in symbols. It blatantly presents itself in front of me, revealing all secrets in a slow strip tease. Suddenly, it’s all naked. I wish it could pull on its clothes back up and storm out of the room. But then I don’t.

The thing about flashbacks is that it’ll either leave you feeling miserable, if it’s a bad memory, or it’ll drown you in tears, make you even more miserable, if it’s a good memory which is hard to get back. You change. We all change. But there’s this tiny of me which wants to be who I was and discard this piece of sadness which was gradually built by careful shredding my childhood ecstasy through the hands of this amiable world.

Childhood is bliss. And childhood is ignorant of the fatefulness of this hellish world. It’s full of wonder, new discoveries and dreams. You feel you can achieve anything in this world, whatever you wish to do you just jump and pull it out like a lollipop from a shelf. The dreams are delicious, sweet and have the playfulness of the sour candy. Then this sourness turns bitter as you only grow a little taller with more dead cells in your body than before. Why the world works this way, there is no use asking this, just move with the herd because you are afraid to be hit by a cane and being called unfit for this system. You’re too lazy if you don’t comply, if you diverge away. You’re too dreamy to think you can achieve anything out of thin air. It’s all a game, you need to score in order to be welcomed to step on the next rung. You need to kick the one below you because, well, they’re near your feet and very easy to reach. Why not just push them down so you could jump higher?

Is there any way to just break away from the shackles of this kind of life? Schooling. College, higher education………Job… Marriage. Babies and then there’s no period after that, the cycle repeats itself and you’re watching this happen to your kids.

Why is the world like? Why are we like this? Why can’t we do anything we want without fearing being beaten up by others? Why? Why?? WHY???

That spark in my eyes that was captured by this man-made device to still memories of my childhood, the spark isn’t there now.  Fire blazed within me, too see the world, to feel the world and taste it. Maybe I even knew the reason of our existence and all the other secrets of the world which are buried underneath the burdens of life. I try searching for that tiny speck of spark within me so I could blow on it. Life just pours down its heavy weight on me. Tons of water tankers blithely thrown in my direction either crush me or extinguish whatever spark is left in me. I wonder if it’s even there.

The realities of the world are too stressful for the soft musculature of a kid. They are told fairy tales and live in one, believing the world reflects their feelings. It’s always hard to know that you’re not the main character of this tale. I wish the world hadn’t stripped itself naked in front of me so I could have lived in a land far away from reality, completely clothed and covered from head to toe.

The vibrant colours of the Romantic in me are dulling. Maybe it’s because I got to know the world is colourless. Nothing real, everything illusion. Imagination, flights of fantasy taken an actual flight, leaving us behind in this emotionless world. I wish I was delusional; what beauty the lunatic witnesses. Now I have to be too sane to be insane and too insane to follow sanity.

Childhood is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Dream away till you disappear. 

 

(First posted here)

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