He Understood No Thing Ever Remained

A Letter to the Boy who broke my heart

 

We met during a time of innocence, when all I knew of the world was good. I wasn't bitter yet or self-destructive. I still climbed trees and got lost in the world of books. You came along a time I was still getting out of my shell, when I was still making friends and was finding out for the first time, how to work my away around guys. I was awkward and the most naïve, but still you came and swept me off my feet. You were there when I was still a wallpaper, wearing boy shorts and sneakers. You observed me while I observed others. You came at such a time that its not possible for me to say that I was fine before you, and will be fine after you because really, before you, no one expected me to be more than invisible. I was allowed to hide behind society's predetermined bylines. I was invisible, and happily so.

It took 5 years to get over you, and even then- moving 3,000 miles did nothing to help. I would wonder what had happened to you, what you were studying. I wanted to know everything about you and how your days were. I would daydream what it would be like if you just walked into my class. I would dream you were thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you.

When I found you, I knew how to talk to boys. I no longer climbed trees and it was harder to get lost in the world of books. The world was no longer a magical place, but a mix of good and bad. Like we were. We joked, we laughed, we went on spontaneous trips to the mountains, and sometimes I could convince you to talk on the phone even though you were tired.

Boy shorts were long replaced by boyfriend cutoffs, and sneakers worn during gym sessions. I still observed others, but both from within the center as well as an outsider. I felt empty. Hollow. I was a shell, and somewhere, somehow, you filled me up.

So no, I can't say for sure I'll be okay without you. But to feel so much for someone and get so little in return, is too cruel for me to do for even myself.

So I'll leave you with this, and maybe you'll get it-

He understood no thing ever remained,

Make it count. Tell me I'm wrong.

There's still time. 

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