Writing About Transgender Issues - Trans Males

Dysphoria, Dysphoria & More Dysphoria

As a transgender male, I can tell you whole-heartedly how much it hurts to crave for a body you can't have.

Imagine this.

You wake up at 6:30am. Stumbling into the bathroom, you wish you could have another few hours of sleep, but there's no chance of that - there's things to be learnt, classes to be attended. You go to the loo - notice for the millionth time how you have to sit down on the seat and not stand like most men - and wash your hands. You happen to glance up into the mirror above the sink, and you pause. The tap is still running but you don't reach to turn it off. Your eyes bore into those of your reflection, feeling the all-too-familar emotions coursing thorugh your veins. Hate, anger, sadness...yearning. ​You see two bumps on your chest, the soft expansion of your hips; the female anatomy that constrasts so utterly with the man that you are.

Can you imagine waking up everyday, knowing you are male, but living inside the body of a female? Well, I'll tell you first hand what that's like.

It hurts. It burns. It breaks your soul just a little bit more.

Now, I'm not saying that being transgender is all bad, because it's not - there are plenty of positive aspects of identifying as transgender; the knowledge that you were strong enough to find who you are, the appreciation of being addressed by your correct pronouns, the joys of introducing yourself to a stranger using your chosen name...all of those things create small but important moments of happiness.

However, more often than not, the negatives outweigh the positives. Generally, the negatives will be about self-image; feeling like you're stuck in the wrong body, becoming depressed and hopeless, knowing that you can't change your genetics, and always picking up on the things that make you feel like your brith gender (e.g. you may hear femininity in your voice when others can't). There is also the devastating impact that transphobia, the hatred and discrimination of transgender people (also widely used to describe discrimination towards other gender identities such as nonbinary or agender). It's often difficult to even begin to accept yourself when people tell you it's just a phase, that you'll always be your birth gender, that you will go to hell, and that you're a freak.

I wrote a poem about what it's like to be a transgender male with bad self image, because I wanted to help cisgender people to understand the transgender community and also to let transgender people know that their feelings of dysphoria and sadness are normal. It's one of my own experiences when I become dysphoric, and in no way does it necessarily reflect the thoughts of other transgender males, although I'm sure that their emotions and experiences would be somewhat similar. Feel free to read the poem, here is a link;

http://www.movellas.com/story/201706201210152761-death-sentence

If the link doesn't work, the poem is called Death Sentence and can be found by going to the Movellas search bar and typing it in, or going to my profile page.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I hope you gained something from it.

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