Heartbreak: My current diagnosis

A broken heart is a term metaphor for the intense emotional—and sometimes physical—stress or pain one feels at experiencing great longing.

 

 

Yes, I just made a blog to talk about my broken heart. Most of you are probably thinking that this is just a way for me to get attention. Some of you are probably going through exactly what I'm going through. Then there's the last bunch who're clicking this because you're bored, or because I'm a friend and you care.

 

Tonight, I have had my heart broken. Now, forty minutes ago I was crying my eyes out and holding in loud and ugly sobs that could wake my parents. Because just like with anything you actually care about, you don't want to involve them and make the situation even messier. But the tears have dried, the headphones are on and music is keeping me from falling apart where I sit.

 

I think for me what's so amazing is that, honestly? We weren't technically dating and I still managed to obtain a broken heart. We had done and said everything that constitues a relationship. But he never asked, no matter how many times I asked him to. I guess maybe that should've been my clue to get out before the feelings attached themselves. But dammit, I was lonely. And yes, talking to someone who made me feel wanted and loved, was the best kind of feeling I needed. Even if it's killing me slowly inside as I type this.

 

He had been the friend to talk to when I was bored or needed to talk. He was the lover I needed when a day was long and I needed cuddles. Ladies, sometimes he initiated them and I was the one coddling him. Do you know how amazing that felt? Knowing that for even just a fraction of time, he needed my arms around him. He needed to hear my heartbeat as his head laid on my chest. Yeah, that felt amazing.

 

I'm not going to lie to you. Our flirtationship (which is what I'm calling it because again, he never asked) was purely physical most of the time. I can't tell you how many times in the past three weeks and five days we've been intimate. But again, I was lonely. That intimacy was exactly what I needed.

 

We hung out a few times, most of them being around his friends who are now my friends as well. But he'd never make me feel secluded from the group by pretending I wasn't there. We'd talk, kiss, and a few times he dragged me onto his lap where I'd sit. I loved every single minute of it. 

 

With conversation came the feelings, because if he can handle hearing about the shit you go through on a daily....surely he cares. Am I right? I was there when he got the job he applied for. When he was sick and him for me when I was sick. But I think the real feelings for me, came when I was overly tired and my brain decided to make something he said, make me cry. Not because it was hurtful, but because it made me so happy. I texted him explaining exactly what I was going through, how I couldn't sleep, over tired and the unwanted tears. We spent all night talking until I was tired enough to sleep.

Yeah. Feelings developed.

 

It's going to be extremely hard for me to get used to my every day again. Simply because while we were seeing each other, he would text me all the time. Even when I tried to let him go so he could be rid of me for a while, he wasn't having it. So a day has twenty four hours, right? I would say out of the sixteen (because eight of those have to be considered sleeping) we texted a good fourteen of them. That's only because the other two are for unexpected events that left no time to reply.

 

So yes. I'm very aware that the need to check my phone for a message from him, is going to be a side effect from this flirtationship. But I can't say that the flirtationship in a whole was a mistake. Because at the end of the day, I was smiling all the time.

 

The type of person he was, made me realize that he is exactly what I want when I decide to date again. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying I'm going to find someone exactly like him and end up writing a Heartache: 2.0 blog about my endevour. What I'm saying is, the things he was interested in, the way he was affectionate, those are the things I want.

 

And even though it's over? I'm not mad at him. I mean, a little part of me is. Because, hello....he dumped me - and for a very stupid reason too might I add. But the way he ended it was respectful. He knew I deserved more than what he was giving me and let me go. 

 

I'm not even going to lie when I say I think he didn't want to, but did anyway. Feel free to agree with me, readers when I say "There is always more in the ellipses.".

 

I'm going to miss him. It's going to absolutely kill me when i finally delete all those messages I saved from him that still make me happy. Just like it'll kill me when I finally erase his number from my contacts. Though - just between us? - I might leave it in. Not because I want to call him in the middle of the night when I'm drunk or sad. But because I hope after a couple months of separation, maybe friendship can be an option. Again, he was not a horrible person. He just made a horrible choice.

 

You're probably wondering why you're still reading this. There's nothing in this blog about how to get over a break up, or what the symptoms of a heartbreak are. It's just a girl complaining because her beau dumped her.

 

You're right. (Side note: <<<< That saying will never be the same again.) I can't tell you how to get over a break up. There is no universal cure because sadly, we're not the same people inside. Just like we aren't the same people on the outside.

 

But I can tell you, if your heart feels like it's shattered into a million tiny fractured pieces, you can't stop crying because of the pain and all you can think about is every memory you have with this one person.....it's a heartbreak my friend.

 

I can tell you that it's going to get easier. As of now, it's been an hour since the incident and I have yet to shed another tear. My body is finally telling me I'm tired and I haven't thought too much about him. So that in itself is progress in the right direction. 

 

Everything from here on out is going to be a blinding reminder that I'm single. That my heart was broken and the person who caused it is probably living out his every day without a hitch in his step. It's going to take me months to get over where it'll take him days to acheive the same outcome. 

 

Sad to say that's just how we differ in gender. I mean, sometimes on a rare occasion the guy will go through the same emotions that females do. But that all depends on what type of person they are. Because again readers, everyone is different in this big old mulicultural world of ours. 

 

I'm not happy my heart was broken. But I'm thankful for the few weeks of happiness I got and the affirmation I got in what I want in a relationship. Eventually my life will get back to normal. This one night might be all I needed to vent out exactly what it should take others months to realize.

 

But there will always be those moments of, he used to do this. I miss when we did this. He used to say that. And with those memories stirs up every emotion felt with it and then the heartbreak starts all over again. Because he's gone. It's a fact that I have to learn to live with again. 

 

The feat will not be easy. It's going to take a lot of music, friends and yes, even boys- to get me back to how I used to be. But I'm ready to start that adventure. Because I am at that stage in my life where I am in a constant state of change. Just like you are as well. How you feel today, right now could change within the next week, month even a year from now. 

 

But it's exactly what we need in order to evolve as a person. I am a girl with a broken heart and a million reasons to keep going. Are you ready to keep going with me?

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