Depression isn't easy to fall out of. Because its much easier to fall back into. And grief is just a connecting door.

​Sometimes its hard to see the light. Sometimes its hard to know that everything can be okay.

For me, it started long long ago. Beginning with the first break up i ever had. The first horrible breakup. I had so much anger in me and my only outlet was any friends I could have had. I lost most of those friends because of it. I went through boyfriends like bottles of beer, they never lasted longer than a week and it was hard, I didn't know then that it would just get harder til I hit the classic rock bottom. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I was angry in school and out of it. So angry that I used to lock myself in the bathroom and cry sometimes. So angry that I lashed out at my family for not being there for me, for working all the time when I needed them. The only person who seemed to care enough to listen was my brother. I told him everything. We argued just like all siblings but we were close. At least until he left for university and then it was just me again. But thats still too far ahead. I had probably like no friends in school. I lost most of them and was teased a lot. But I had one friend, who was there for me when I needed them, though I don't think i ever told them exactly what I was going through.  Fast forward a few years and I gained more friends. I began talking to this guy from a few cities over, we met up a few times in McDonalds, he was fun to be around, and he ended up being the first boyfriend I had had in a long time. He was great but it didn't last. We fell out over a stupid argument. I had doubts and because of my track record with commitment, I backed out. I left him. Then I heard. I was at school, when I got the message from a mutual friend. That was one of the worst days of my life. He was gone. And never coming back, that type of gone. That god-awful heart shattering earth breaking empty kind of gone. April 12th 2016. I miss him so much and I can't, sometimes I just can't breathe. Sometimes I feel like drowning. You know, I had nightmares for weeks after. They felt so real. Now I have them again. Its nearing the anniversary and I don't know how to treat the day. Its weird, without him. Its like my life is disjointed for some reason. Anyway, so my brother is at university now and I have new friends and old friends. I think this is a different way to tell them, to speak about my life and to try to get it out into words. So guys, its okay to cry, its okay to not be okay and to scream out loud. Its so easy to talk, to sing, to shout or to write down how you're feeling. And I hope that this helps other people to understand that there are people out there who understand. I also would like to recommend netflix's adaptation 13 reasons why of the book by Jay Asher. Because its really good and sad and relatable. The song that i attached is from the show itself and Its really good in context. Well, much love and care to anyone that comes across this or the same feelings. :)

 

 

 

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