I have no idea what to do anymore...

I'm getting crazy

I don't feel like living anymore... I want to hurt people around me and I'm mad and sad all the time.

I feel like the end is coming. I can feel it.

Everyone around me are saying my ex is an idiot. He even said himself. So I should think that too.. Right?

What if I doesn't think that? I think he is evil, yeah... But I still want to be together with him...

 

Last week... My ex texted me... He said he regret​ that he said he didn't want to be friends.. And he wanted to be friends again.. I did ofc the stupid thing and said it was okay, and he could be my friend again... But I think that was stupid... And I mean friends with benefits... So saturday he came to visit and he was at my place for 5 hours. It was fun, hanging out... Buuuut still some weird stuff happened...

After sex, it was pretty cold, so it ended out with we kinda was laying in spoon, but he didn't have his arms around me and I think he tried to make a little space between us :I ... The only thing I wanted was him to hold me, but I know that would't happen, coz that would be something gf and bf would do.. So I could just feel his warm body and wish...

I don't care about sex with him... I just use it as an excuse to see him... and make him happy at the same time....

I think on him constantly​... No break...

I'm worried about him.. What is he doing? Why isn't he answering my snap?... Oh yeah... He is online on Facebook and I'm sure he is also online on snapchat... He just isn't answering me... I hope he doesn't think I'm that stupid?

I hate this... I invited him over today... He couldn't and ofc that's fine and all... But... I feel so fooled... All the time... I keep wishing his feelings came back... I know they won't.. He will never love me again, I'm the past for him...

I don't understand why I can't let go or why he came back...

 

Today I cried a lot... Like a lot... I'm home alone... (Oh waaaauw just got a snap from my ex.. after one hour of waiting time...)

I can't stop crying... I cried at work yesterday... In the toilet... I cry every night... And yeah it's a lot... I just have this ... Well.. How to explain? :P My heart hurts... It feels like I'm getting stabbed... And this pain is growing... Sometimes I just suddenly starts to shake/tremble.. Out of no where... And then I cry...

 

It doesn't really help that my teachers are giving a lot of homework and essays... I can't focus enough to make it...

My friends are still mad at me or something. I can't talk to them about anything anymore... Everytime I open my mouth they start mocking me... So now I just don't say anything anymore... I just stopped... I just sit next to them and listen to them, their jokes and their problems... But I can't even make a joke anymore... I just sit there... I just wandering in my own world... I'm beginning​ to disappear​ing into my own world, where no one can reach me.. The place I wish I could stay in forever...

To be honest... I want to die...

Every morning when I'm sitting in the train I ask myself why I don't jump infront of the train? It would ofc be selfish because of the conductor​ would be damage​ for life...

The thing I want to do... Before I kill myself is to call my ex and tell him I told him the truth when I said I would love him to my death. I really do love him... But I'm mad at him... I'm no longer important for him.. He wouldn't even pick up if I called.

 

I should just get it overwith. Why not kill myself? I have no friends, no bf anymore and I can't handle school anymore..

I know my family loves me and I love them too... But they can't fix this... They really can't... No one can fix me anymore.. I'm broken..

 

I can feel it... The end is coming...

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