Defying the Spots

by , Saturday January 7, 2017
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 Defying the Spots

How I Feel About My Acne

Do you want to know what I feel when I take off my make-up and see what’s underneath? Disgusted. It’s ugly and horrible to look at and I hate looking at myself.

     Sometimes I can see past the spots and redness and think there is a half decent girl there, but that’s about 10% of the time. The other 90% is me hating myself.

     It’s probably the reason I’m scared of people; scared of them judging me at every turn. I would even go so far as to say my acne has had a part to play in making my social anxiety. I’m just so scared of what people think of me, how they see me, how they think I look and whether they’ll hate or disregard me because of my acne. I’ve suffered with shyness since I can remember, but over the past three or so years have I only realised that it isn’t just shyness that I have but anxiety and social anxiety at that. Not liking the way I look and feeling really self-conscious because of my acne and body is, in my opinion, a big element of how I became socially anxious.

     I joke with my mum and sister about changing faces but sometimes I really do wish I had a different face, one that didn’t have acne. Of course I would prefer to keep my face and get rid of the acne, but it doesn’t seem to be budging. If getting a new face was easier (by that I mean it wouldn’t kill me) than I would probably get a new face so that I didn’t have to feel so down about my appearance, and be okay with going outside without make-up and not deal with the emotional implications that come along with it.

     I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I want to like myself but it seems like a long way off. Acne can become such a big, ugly part of yourself. It makes you ugly, not in the physical sense but mentally and emotionally, because it can make you hate yourself, it can make you unconfident and self-conscious, it can snatch away your dignity.

     Some would just say it’s just a phase, or it’s no big deal. But it is to some people. It is a bigger deal to the people who have the skin irritation than the ones that don’t. We, the people with it are the ones that hate it most; even though we think that others will dislike us for it because it isn’t pretty, they don’t have to live with looking in the mirror every day and not liking their own reflection.

     I wish there could be some unanimous cure that could cure acne for everyone, however severe or small. I wish there was a treatment that anyone can use and get rid of it.

     At the moment, there isn't and the thing is, we shouldn’t be feeling this way about ourselves. Acne, redness or the way we look does not define who we are. Some people use their looks to show their personality: styling their hair a certain way, wearing certain types of clothes or colour, but that is what we choose. Acne, redness, rosacea and any other skin problems are not things we choose to have and so they do not define who we are. Our personalities show who we are.

     It is hard to get that into your head and see beyond the skin condition, and I am not going to be a hypocrite and say ‘just do it’, or ‘it’s easy’ because I haven’t battered it into my brain yet. It takes time, especially when you don't have a particular high confidence rate anyway. But don’t give up, keep trying – hopefully we’ll get a lucky break and someone will come up with a cure for all acne (seriously, someone needs to do this, like yesterday).

     Don’t let yourself get too down about it. If you need to rant and rave about how much you HATE your spots, then do it! I highly advise it, I do it a lot and it makes me feel so much better afterwards. If you can’t say it aloud, write it down or draw it or just scribble, do anything that you think will help to get the rancid, vile feelings and emotions out. And remember, your skin condition does not in any way define you as a person. You are an individual, you are unique and you are beautiful in your own way.

     Soppy and Not Sorry,

     Holly

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