Breached, Brusied and Left Broken

Silenced into darkness, the feeling of uneasiness surrounded me, I felt as if I was being swallowed into a pool of dread. I couldn’t recognise my surroundings, I felt terrified, bewildered and unable to move – frozen. I submerged myself into my bed, hoping for a shred of amenity. Tossing and turning not being able to shake the feeling that something was wrong; my mouth was as arid as a desert imploring for a single drop of water to quench my thirst. I soon became to realise that this feeling was my body trying to tell my mind was something harrowing had happened.

 In the distance, I could hear mum talking to someone, it almost felt like a dream – foggy and ambiguous. I then realised that she was on the phone. It took me a minute or two to understand what she was saying…there had been somebody in our house, unwelcomed, an intruder. I could hear the sheer trepidation and trembles in her voice, once my body had processed exactly what had happened, it jumped into gear as if I was running a race.

I stopped abruptly in my tracks, halfway down the stairs, paused in shock listening intensely at what she was saying, he had been in their room, standing…waiting…waiting for them to wake up? Did he want to get caught? What had possessed him to do this? Why had he chosen our home? Questions immersed into my head, wanting to know answers, wanting to see the person who had done this to our home – our family. I continued down the stairs only to see mum in tears in the living room, and dad nowhere in sight. She was in no state to explain what had happened. Slowly she raised her head to face me and I knew all I needed to know.

The rest of the night was a blur, lights blazed my house as well as the rest of the street, had we woken others? Strange people started filling our house, a sea of questions flooding my mind, myself wanting questions answered as well as the people in uniform. I wanted it to be over, a dream, hoping and wishing it to not be what they kept saying. I felt like my home had been violated, exposed to whatever that person wanted to do.

When the police first came, mum sent me to my room, I think she didn’t want me to hear or see what was happening, but as I got to the top of the stairs, I paused, something drawing me to the window – out onto the street. It was him. The man, he was in handcuffs. Something too had drawn him to look at the same window, to look at me… I stood frozen, but I then began to see his features, his ragged hair that covered half of his face, I could see in his eyes filled with the regret of what he had done, and once again questions emerged in my head, did he have a family? Is that why he had done what he did? I quickly snapped out of my trance and questioned myself. Why was I feeling sympathy for this man? He had been an intruder in my home, who knows what else he could have done if dad hadn’t woken up. I turned my head, confused as to why I had tried to sympathise his actions. I entered my room, a familiar state, messy, books sprawl across the floor and photos that covered my wall acting as a timeline of my life, all of my personal belonging surrounded me, I knew where everything was and it gave me a sense of contentedness that I could finally familiarise myself with my surroundings, I climbed back in to my bed, looked at the time, two o’clock in the morning, I then knew that sleep was off the table, no way I would be able to get to sleep with what had happened on my mind as well as knowing I had exams that day, would I even be able to concentrate on my exams? Thoughts swarmed my head, painting scenarios of everything that could go wrong. I just wanted this night to be over and forget about everything.

I woke up after surprisingly getting a few hours of sleep, I lumbered myself downstairs as I normally did, and to my surprise mum and dad were in the living room watching TV. I thought to myself, this isn’t right, I’m normally the first person awake, and then it hit me, it wasn’t a nightmare I had dreamt. All of this had happened, and once again questions filled with confusion, anger and fear filled my head, all I wanted to do was sink back into bed and forget this all happened, but I knew I had to go into school, to sit my exams. But my body didn’t seem to understand that, so I just stood there not knowing what to do. The rest of the day felt like it wasn’t even me in control. I couldn’t seem to process what had happened, and yet, my body did.

Even though, it’s all over now, I know I should be fine, and be able to get over what happened, there is still part of me that feels constantly distressed, anxious, paranoid, call it what you will. I no longer feel safe walking on my own in the evenings, able to trust people and I haven’t been able to sleep properly since then. Almost waiting for it to happen again feeling responsible that I didn’t hear him come into our home, I lay there waiting for a sound, movement, feeling, anything…

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