Ok.

My life has hit the shitter since 2016 started. Boyfriend fucked me over in July. No face to face meeting, no exchange of things. Just a barely raspy goodbye as he left to work that day. Answers? Haha, not from him. He's still too busy hiding and parasiting off of his parents he can't comprehend living his own life. The fall months filled with assholes and cunts. Every girl I have fallen for has been fucked raw in front of my own eyes. Some people may say I need to realize I'm going to die alone anyway. I am trying to get used to that sentiment. It's been a long road, and all I can say for myself is that I'll be getting my degree next May. That isn't even appealing as a prize anymore. I've lost the personI love. I've lost so much more too. Grandfathers. Grandmothers. Cousins. 

It also sucks because all of my close friends feel like they're having so many issues they can barely help themsevles out. I am in such a bind and there's no release in sight. I know, getting my degree can be considered a huge accomplishment, but I experienced so much loss on the way there. I need to technically delete half of my friendlist on facebook if I were honest with myself.

The girl who tried to rape me earlier this year. The other girl that was once my friend now gone because of a up and coming poetry ass spit lies into her ear. The guy who shoved his boner in my face in a public area.

The girls I thought I had feelings for ended up using me for concert tickets and alcohol. They never had any interest in me romantically. All they ever wanted was the money in my pocket. They are super into BDSM.

I've been listening to Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars to help me feel better. I stayed my ground(somewhat) since the beginning. It makes me wonder. Where is the line in BDSM? They would start, out of nowhere, starting scenes.

What's the safe word?

Sometimes I have felt lost. I keep my eyes low these days. Inhale green, exhale happiness. It's what I think keeps me astrained. I watch them, flaunting for the only dick in the room. Begging for it. The guy doesn't give a shit. He looks at me, longingly. Hoping I give into tempation. But I never do. He can fuck these girls, transfer HPV if he wants.

He seems allergic to any type of sexual protection available.

He's older. Gruffy. "Trucker Guy". I do not get the appeal of having sex with that guy. I am not sexually or personally attracted. We cuddled (once). He spilled information over. I enjoyed the info received.

BDSM corrodes. I have watched scenes pre-disposed to drugs and eventually sadness. I'm never sure if Miranda* is ever into it. The other guy, let's call him Jim, is always into it.

Who needs sex after a break up? It's hard for me to conceptualize it. I can't fuck raw. It scares me. I have too much of a future and a stack in my enviroment. I can't be caught dead having Jims baby. That sounds pitiful. Fruitless.

He avoids breaking up with his girlfriend too. Like a plauge--he stays awhile because he'll disappear after he gets what he needs. Always goes on about needing to visit to make things official? Sign a magical girl contract promising he won't be a more cheating rat bastard than he already is? 

He's been circling me like a shark I feel. Waiting until I'm so fucked up I can't say no. He's into that rapey stuff. 

Life sucks. BDSM scares me these days. I like being spanked. But I don't like watching the girls I like fuck some guy without protection. I can't stop thinking about their safety.

What about making sure she's clean?  

What about everyone taking inventory and getting checked out? I feel...checked out. I can only jerk away and do a grip release when fucked up enough. That's why I time my rides well. They pick me up and worry. I have always been out of it. I'm out of it right now. 

BDSM scares me. I do not want some guy(or even girl) randomly spanking me. Fucking me. In front of a person I know has feelings for me. Is this it? Or am I yet again living the worst case scenario for a community again? I had the worst possible interaction with someone from the trans* community. Again and again. Life pressures my ideals.

I feel steam packed. I can't wait until this year is over. And maybe, perhaps, meeting someone who isn't doing BDSM the way they are right now. I can't. deal with scenes. that are not. okayed. in the before. 

One more thought before I let words go. She said, last night, that *I* wanted dinner and a show. She looked at me a certain way. The type of way I figured out my situation. I said yes, knowing she'll just coerce a yes out of me eventually. Jim looked over at MIranda with a smirk. Miranda was being "cute". She was telling me to spank her butt with a leather contracption. SO I spanked her. And trucker Jim did the rest. Fucked her underneath the blankets on the futon. Said that I "could use my imgaination". He's definately gotsomething for not showing his pecker. Think it is HPV. Oh well. Miranda was the one who denied the condom. She kept riding him. For hours. I was on my phone. Looking for an escape. I texted my friend and she was an hour from being on her way.

Those hours felt odd. Did Miranda want this? Did Jim want this? I never wanted this. I watched them awkwardly cascade on their figures for about an hour. Buzz. It's my friend. I gather my things as quick can be. Pain from love. Pain from hate. Pain from the overall feeling of betrayal.

Miranda, you see, she said "I'm not sure if I want to make out with you. I know I kissed you before." But she gave me this indirect fuck you. By fucking another guy in my sight. Just like her close friend Stacy.

 

And now I'll exit. A glance into my crazy stupid fucking life. Be careful--shut the door slowly on your way out. And don't go around telling my business.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

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