Why is life like this?

by , Monday December 12, 2016
1 Like
Why is life like this?

Who am I?

Life can be so fucked up... I'm getting tired and every time it seems fine, life just think "Nah, why not make things bad again?"

Well hey!

I'm starting my blog. But for me this will be more like a diary​.

I should introduce myself a little..

I won't tell my name.. Just to be more anonymous​..

I'm from Denmark, so sorry if my english isn't that great, but I will do my best.

I'm 17 years old and I'm in high school...

I have two hobbies, the first one is I play the violin, twice a week, and the second, I love gaming, mostly on PC.

 

That's the most basic things about me... But if you keep reading my blogs/diary, I'm sure you will get to know me a little better.

So.. Why did I start this blog?

I had a blog before. It was on this danish site, but it closed and i lost everything... I had been blogging/writing my diary for three years and it all was just gone... So now I will kinda start over, because I really enjoy typing what I feel... And I like doing it online so I maybe can get some respons at some point..

 

But now to the topic for today!

So right now I'm going through a lot... School is not easy, my friends has problems and in all that.. my boyfriend, (Let's call him M, starts being weird and considers breaking up with me. But all this is actually last week... This week is very different.

I broke up with my boyfriend, M, for 3-4 days ago... I had been with him for 11 months, then he broke up and we got together again a month after and last week was then our 6 months day... So I have overall been with him for 1 year and 5 months...

So he suddenly told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore... I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do.. I mean.. How should I make him love me again?? For more than 2 weeks... He kinda liked me on/off.. But I couldn't take it... We talked normally like always.. It was not like we were mad at each other.. But he didn't wanted to hold me, he didn't call me "skat"=honey, he avoid my kisses and the last time we had sex, he said he didn't wanted me to feel used for sex and I should know he still wasn't sure about his feelings... But we had sex and it was great.. Just the next morning he was cold again.. Imaigne it.. Being with someone who reject everything you normally do with a boyfriend...

I was in so much pain.. I stopped eating and when I ate I threw it all up again.. I couldn't focus in school and i cried all the time.. My friends didn't knew what to do.. I was like hell for 2 weeks...

I was so tired of it.. So I just broke up with him.. He clearly didn't love me anymore.. Else he wouldn't pull me through it...

But as I broke up with him.. He started to cry.. He cried more than me.. I couldn't cry that much.. I had been through too much at that point...

We made the deal of being friends... Because.. It would be stupid just to throw all this time with each other away and we know each other so good, so we can help one another.

When I got home after breaking up with him.. I cried for an hour... But i suddenly got a text from him... He said we had to talk about something.

Because we deside to be friends we would both go to our joint-friend (Our both best friend), N, at new years. N's family is split, and therefor we have to go to the other end of Denmark to be there. But both my ex-boyfriend (aw.. it hurts to write ex..) and me know we are sexual attract​ed to each other. So he text me to let me know he was going to get drunk at new year and if I did too, we should make sure not to have sex, it would maybe make things complicated...

Then we texted a little about being friend with benefits... But we both agreed to just see what would happen if we were friends for a while.

It made me happy he texted me, so I slept okay that night.

Next day was friday and I ended out inviting a friend, let's call him Chang, he is Chinese​, with me home to play computer... Later M joined us and we ended out gaming for a long time (Actually to 3am).

But it was a little weird with M.. we just broke up the day before...

But it was kinda clear... That we had been together... He called me "Skat" (Honey) once, he caress​ me on the back and my cheek once... I know it was mistakes... But still.. I also called him "søde" (Sweetie) once..

It was hard.. I really love him.. It was his feelings there changed... Not mine... I still love him and I can't do anything about it.

But why did he make these mistakes? It couldn't be a habit? I mean he haven't called me "Skat" (honey) in two weeks! or caress me! Why did he suddenly feel like it?? I couldn't be more confused.. But I can't think about it.. We are friends... Nothing else... Not anymore.. And maybe never again..

I don't know why.. But i keep having this feeling that it can't be the end between us... How could it just suddenly change? I don't want to be with other boys and I just want to be with him.. And I love laughing with him, like we do now, like we always have.. But why can't I hug him... Why can't I kiss him? Why is it gone? Just like that?

Well but around 3 am M get shot in CS:GO (Just one of the most popular games) and he gets really mad.. He goes to bed... I follow him but he doesn't want to talk about and it ends out with him going home... But not long after he got home he texted me and talks to me about what happened... He said he was upset because he wants to become a really good player and wants to earn money on it! I was happy he texted me about it, but still... He texted me bacause we are good friends and he knows I'm here for him. I really am, and I will always be.

 

Saturday I was going to a drinking party and I send some snapchats to M and we end out chatting, he wants to join the party and I ask the host. But the host says I deside but he doesn't want me to get hurt again... So if i want to invite M I should watch out. I say to Magnus he can join and he was on his way... Not long after I get a text that he can't come because there's no busses going to the city I was in... So he couldn't come and ended out going home again.. He then said I should stop texting with him and go have fun... So I did...

The next morning he texted me again and wanted to hear how the party was.. It was not a long conversation.

 

I have invited some few friends and M next friday to a gaming night more, and everyone is coming.. I hope M doesn't get mad again... I get sad when he is mad.. I want to have fun with him.

 

So I think I will end it here...

What do you guys think? What will happen next? Maybe some of you have tried this?

Hope you will read along in my diary! :)

See ya next time!

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