The Words of a Lost Girl

by , Tuesday December 6, 2016
 The Words of a Lost Girl

Tears

Hi, I just needed to write this and post it somewhere. You don't need to read it, it's just a ramble about why my life sucks at the moment and not the usuall things I write. I just needed to let off some steam.

As I'm writing this I'm listening to the most camling songs I can find on my phone, crying my eyes out because for the past few months I have been pretending. Pretending that everything is fine, that I'm not slowly falling apart. I got kicked out of my sixth form because my grades wern't good enough and I've found a little peace in the fact that I was accepted into a great college and attend class with loads of great people.

But at home everyone is unbearable.

My parents think that if they threaten me enough I'll turn into a hardworking girl who finds studying her ass off every minute of every day to be a fullfilling life. A girl that takes the dog on walks even whn we all know that it's too cold for the little one and even his jackets won't keep him warm for long. They want me to 'succeed in life' and become a woman who earns a lot of money. Ignoring that I have a dream, I want to become a zoologist and even if my trip to malaysia which they paid for didn't gain me any UCAS points I still got a valuable experience that has changed me. It was beautiful there, unnatached to this world full of crushing expectations. There I could live my nocturnal life, taking long walks on the beach looking for nesting turtles and checking on the hatchlings. But no, I need more points, I need to study more, I need to be better.

No matter the stress.

I havent stopped crying and I cant even sob because I can't let them hear me and break their illusion of a happy family. Even though that was long gone for over five years. I can't rest propperly, I keep waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and not even the conforting presence of my dog, Dante, can help me. 

I don't see my friends much either. Now that we go to different schools everything is different nd I'm left alone with a family who'd rather have a different daughter. And now they're saying that the'll give the only one who loves me away. Dante. I mean my granddad is the only one who understands me but he lives i Italy so we only see him once a year.

Think about this; I didn't cry at all when they kicked me out of school but as sson as my nonno says "It's OK, it wasn't your fault and I love you" I break down. Proper crying, with tears and snot for over half an hour while he just hugged me, murmuring that everything would be ok, over and over. That is my granddad, the one who always took my side and the one I need most, but I can't see him. I feel like I'm going to explode evry single day that I see them look at me as if I could have done better.

I just took a break from writing because my mother came in. Bear in mind that I have been crying for a good fifteen minutes, my eyes and nose are red, my voice is craky and my nose is stuffed (I checked in the mirror as soon as she left). Do you know what she did? She looked right at me and told me that Dante was most likely going to be given away because he looks depressed. She diddn't comment about my teary eyes or anything, then because I didn't want to cry in front of her I asked her to please leave. She called me immature.

My sisters aren't any better. One hates my guts and shoves the fact that I got kicked out of school in my face at any possible chance. The other is impassive and doesn't care, never trying to interact with me.

But the thing that hirts the most is my father. I always knew that me and my mother and sister wouldn't get along most of the time. But my dad? he used to be my shoulder to cry on. Every time I was upsent he was the one I would go to, but now he's joined them. He agrees with my mother about the fact that I could have done better, studied more. He also thinks we should give Dante away. He wants me to stop secluding myself in my room. He want's to rewrite me just like the rest of them.

Now I'm wondering if I should let them read this. Just so that they know what they're doing to me. 

I'm alone and hated in this world and I can't do a thing about it.

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