Life

by , Friday December 2, 2016
 Life

"She's hurt, mentally and emotionally. But everyday she walks with a smile because that's just who she is, the girl who never stopped smiling."

 

Life is so great...They all say..but they don't know, and neither do you. And neither do they. Ive been told not to let what other's say or do bother me or even bring me down. Well fuck that. I care what other people think about me. And i hate myself so much for it. So much. But i don't know why i care, because no one can hate me more than i hate myself...nobody. But i still care. And i wish so bad that i didn't. I hear about all this wishing on a star bullshit or 11:11 crap ((Sorry if you do that?)) but it doesnt help, a fucking star isn't going to help me feel better about life. I Just have and still gone through so much. I got abused by my mom, moved with my dad because he wouldn't ever hit me...or so i thought. The very first time he slapped me was last month, and it scared me. A lot. I cried for atleast three hours, because i didn't think my dad would ever. But i thought wrong. He has gotten me mad so many times, and i tell myself i will ignore him forever and always but i just can't bring myself to do that. Never.I just confuse myself sometimes. What also helps with this is drama _ _. I fucking hate it. All my life all i ever wanted was to wake up with a text message from someone saying "Good morning beautiful." Which is like, your the first thing they thought of when they woke up. If only. No one out there cares. I've had my eye on some guys, but none ever liked me, the all thought i was a freak or something ((only 2 guys :))) but then one day, i heard about this guy who apparently liked me. And at first i just didn't care, because i didn't really like him, he was a player and i didn't want to get sucked into that. I thought it was some kind of joke or even a prank the guy was playing on me, but nope. A whole different story. One night at a dance i went to, he ended up being there. So we went into a quiet corner where no one could see us and we talked for a bit. I was telling him how i want him to try and chase after me, if he really cared, he would. That is exactly what i said. Then all of a sudden he kissed me. Like right on the lips. Like on the lips. And i was surprised by that. It was a bit awakward after that but then i found out five minutes later that he had a girlfriend __ __. Like are you fucking serious. I got very pissed off because he didn't tell me. So he thought breaking up with her was magically going to heal everything. Hell no. I was very heartbroken and still am, after that he started texting me on snapchat saying things like "Your the first girl i ever cried over, i love you so much and im scared i will lose you". I said "You wont ever lose me because im not yours." He always says these lovey dovey things to me. Last night he was texting me, and i got a screenshot from my friend at 12:00 am of a conversation he was having with some other girl. Saying the exact same things he was saying to me. I was like are you fucking serious? What? I was so confsued. So i texted him and asked him about it and he was all like thats fucked up and im sorry, but i only like you, And  i thought it was bull. He didn't come to school today and i wonder why. He made out with four girls. Dated seven. I dont fucking know anymore. I told myself i didn't like him and to stay out of this but i couldn't help myself. I wanted to know what it was like to actually be loved, wake up with a text from someone, knowing your the first thing they think about when they wake up, and the last thing they think about when they go to sleep. I wish. Now i don't even know what to do anymore. I Actually thought someone cared..you know? Don't we all have that time where we just want to rip the walls apart and just scream and cry for hours, waiting till the late night when you can just lay down and cry softly into your pillow? I have those times way to much. I am depressed. I hate everything about myself, my looks, my voice, my hair, my face, my body, everything.I need help. Does anyone get it? Help me please. I really need it:(

 

 

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