Read Steven Camden's Feedback For Our TAPE Competition Winner!by Eva84, Tuesday April 29, 2014
Find Out What The Published Writer Thought About Our Winner's Work!
At the beginning of March we announced the winner of our TAPE competition, with Steven Camden. The winning entry was Starbars by haineko. Steven Camden took the time to read it and here is his feedback (gulp!):
"I love how it feels like I’m being talked to. My mind is full of questions as to who is narrating and what is their relationship to this man and to Cassie, which I think is a good thing. The choices of description and the changes of thought really build the tension and set the mood of apprehension about what the funeral and London will bring.
The line “.. The other people on the platform buzzed in an unhappy sort of way”.. is brilliant. I can completely picture the irritated crowd, but also the feeling of being with people and yet also separate, like nobody else has any idea about what you’re dealing with.
He feels like the younger brother. I like the fact that you hint at his relationship with his Cassie but keep cutting off from going into too much. This really gives the sense that he’s trying not to think about her, but also wanting to remember too. Lovely.
You manage to convey a lot of information skilfully without me feeling like it’s a list of things explaining the situation and the fact that it’s early morning gives a lovely sense that the story has started after something important and also at the beginning of a new journey.
I’m not sure if you chose to give little description of him physically to let e choose what I make him look like, but if you didn’t then I could do with a couple of details to help me see his face and frame.
The Starbars make me infer that he’s quite heavy, so does the flesh of his pale skin, but these could easily be details of someone with a completely different appearance.
I guess it comes down to your choice of whether you want him to feel like a scruffy character with no definite features yet, and reveal them later as you go, or if you want me to see him right now. If you do, give me something about his face, or the size/shape of him in relation to someone or something else around him maybe.
This definitely feels like the start of something, which I guess many great short stories do. Would love to read more.